BOOM BOOM yeah! yeah! fire don catch me oh!

I signed into google reader and saw that Vera had put up a new post.It was a sunday morning and I was set for church but just decided to glance at my various accounts online *yahoo,google,facebook,...* but as it was a verastic post,I decided to just do a quickie since I couldn't really tell when next I would be online and just like a delicious scenting meal,you can't help yourself,you just gotta have some.

I began to read about how she wished the whole of blogsville a merry christmas and in general it was a post rhyming with the season.I was about to close the window and save the post for later when my eyes caught the words Nigeria and terrorist.I thought it was a joke so I went on to read.It actually was a joke *or so I thought* about some Nigerian suicide bomber *don't fit,right?*

She said the guy had been trained in Yemen to mmake explosives and ish and that he had boarded the plane from Nigeria to Detroit and I think he had attempted to blow up the plane somewhere around Amsterdam but then he had been caught and stuff.

My first impression was that it was just another "story" to get nigeria once again in the highlight,cos people can't just get enough of Nigeria in international news and what better news to hear than some about how we're a corrupt nation and stuff.But Terrorism???!!!! now that just don't fit.

She went on to say that Nigerian and Terror don't go along like the only time you find those two word in a sentence is when you talk about how it's nearly impossible for Nigerians to be terrorist so I guess the dude(Omar Farouk Abdul Mudallab) was just trying to prove he could be the new ""Obama bin laden" for the west" if you get my drift?

Like seriously,Nigerians do all sort of stuff for money,but they want to have money and stuff and live to enjoy it.Like Nigerians could kill someone else for money but not themselves.I doubt that money was the reason for this dude's action I seriously do *see me talking about general knowledge like it's my personal intuition*

I'm trying to make a point here about how Nigerians and terrorism just don't go along,I don't think I'm making a good job of it like my boy Scribbles would but not to worry I have a feeling he'll not delay to do so soonest.

One more way we could look at this is if this guy has been brainwashed by some juju ish,like yeah! Y'all can't deny not knowing about all them old ladies that live behind your family compound in the village that tend to be "doing" your ass,sometimes for no absolute reason or maybe because you father's father happened to have sent her mother to the stream to fetch water for him to clean his cutlass and then she takes it upon herself to revenge her mother all because of the childhood tale her mothe recalled during the burial of your father's father and all this while you're totally ignorant of your family's "great trespass" *I hope y'all get this,you ought to be a regular nigerian to understand this*

Anyways,the guy must have some familiar evil spirits running after his ass that cuased him to fall the hand of his family

"bloody maga"

I get to the end of this post and want to say that I think we're having an e-fight,I and
Ms' Dufa She don't be commenting on my blog like it was in the begining.I guess this is the way all realtionships turn sour.It hurts to think it couldn't be different with her.

"She's just like the rest"


P.S

"This is a challenge Dufa,prove you're different and let's be the new 2010 "Bonnie and Clyde" lol" just holla babe,haven't seen you here in a bit

Like you'll never leave me

I remember sometime a long while ago.I woke up that morning and put on the television.It was about 5 o'clock and I was lucky to not be able to sleep normally,I say lucky cos on a "normal" day I would happily sleep till 10 o clock mininmum if my mama didn't decide that a bowl of cold water to my head would do me some "secret" good * I tried for a while to figure out what good is and I don't think I've quite figured out till this day.

Back to me being lucky,I was able to watch the television without being bullied to change the station to one that satisfied general interest *I lived in a family of 1O kids*

As I changed the stations,searching for one that had begun broadcast,this was at a time when 24 hour tlevision was unheard of unless your papa fit buy cable *this includes satellite tv,cable tv and all the rest* I stumbled on finally got to the only station that had begun broadcast and there was some music programme going on and there was this song with some funnily and scantily dressed woman saying something in the lines of "horny honey,I'm horny horny honey tonight" and she kept trying to curly up and looked really depressed.I didn't get the song.

Today I do,he left after he said he stared at me and just walked out and he never even turned back to look at me or did he?

It's been three months and I really do miss him,a part parts of my body yearns for him.

*******************************************************************

I had just gotten admission into secondary school and I had gone over to his place to let him know about it.

His name was Dany and so was mine and they said we were namesakes so that meant we had to be more considerate for each other more that all of our other friends.

I met him coming out of his room and he turned back and signaled to me to come in.As I walked in he pulled my hand from where he was hid behind the door and everything happened so fast that before I new what was happening he had said "let me show you something" and had begun showing me how his lips could touch mine.

The way he did it was so innocent,he just had his lips touching mine slightly and he was moving his head in a sinusodial pattern,he was so funny I burts out laughing

"What's funny? ",he said,

"You need to see yourself",I replied "what were you trying to do?"

"I saw Mr Bode and a woman doing the same thing and it seemed they were having fun so I decided to try"

"Maybe you're not doing it well",I suggested "Let's try again"

Thus began our "relationship" that would have us being special friends till the day I met Tunde.

I had never been close to anyother person than Dany,everyother person I knew was either scared of me or was family.But Tunde wasn't scared at all,I think he even made me scared sometimes.We had this converstaion one day;

"How do you know that guy?",he asked,

"You mean Dany?",I said,

"His name is Dany???...ok"

"Why you talking that way?"

"Nothing,just wondering"

"Wondering what?" I asked anxiously

"But he's so ugly,what are you doing with someone like that?" he blurted

For a moment I was shocked and then I took a closer look at my retreating name-sake
and just then he turned and I saw for the first time that my "friend" wasn't exactly the prettiest of boys.From that day on,I began to see Dany lesser and lesser.Those times when he would try to hug me,or even touch me,I began to look for ways to evade those advances and from then on we stopped having those special "touching bodies moments".

I don't know what came over me,maybe the fact that Tunde was a really foiine boy or maybe the fact that he was wy more stylish than my Dany,me ex-Dany.I just can't say or maybe it was because I caught more boys staring at me than before ever since I became friends with Tunde,I just don't know

One day Dany came up to me and he said with his silly smile on his face,

"How's your boyfriend,Tunde?"

I snapped at him "Did you think I would be your girlfriend you ugly duckling,I feel so disgusted that I ever let you touch me,you sick..."

I heard the door slam shut,I had been blinded by fury,I didn't hear him walk out,I didn't even see him go.I ran to the window and saw him turn back at that moment with the sadest look ever and that smile that always lit his face wasn't there anymore and he really did look ugly,ugly but then what is ugly anyways?

It's been three months now,and I'm curled up in the same way as that woman in that video I saw couple of years back and I think I know what she meant "horny honey,I'm horny horny honey tonight"

I need my Dany back,I need him back.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

A Posts that starts with me having like no idea where it's going to end or even the general idea.

The first thought coming to my mind now is the thought of change.I'm wondering what would it have been like if I had acted differently,if things had turned out differently.

She sat there looking at me and I could see that look in her eyes,I could tell,even if people told me otherwise,that she loved me.She would shout at me in public,she even threw her drink in my face that one time at the beach but I know that she still loves me.

That's why I have her in my place all tied and beaten up....Now who's laughing?

I told y'all that she would be mine some day but y'all thought I was lying.It's been 11 months,three days and 14 hours since she became mine.My possession to use whenever I wanted.

I held her hands now and she looked at me with that same look,definetely love was in the air.

I turned to descend the stairs when I felt some swift movement behind me,I turned to find out what it was but it was too late,I hadn't even made a 90° when the cylinder of the fire extinguisher impacted on my forehead.

Everything went green-now I know they lie when they say you see white or black and hear noises-I found myself before a Big man whose face I couldn't see because of the light and awesomeness that surrounded him.

His voice was the most gentle,I've ever heard.Soothing as a deep sleep.

I heard him say, "Take him away,his name is not here"

"Who was and where were they taking me to?", I asked myself

Just then I felt the heat and a piercing scream struck my eardrums.I knew I was going to like it where I was going to.


*******************************************************************

I woke up and knew at that point that I had to stop obsessing about Rekia,I definetely had to stop.

NOT ANYMORE

Walking down the road,I started to realise how much my life had changed in just a couple of months.I now had way much money than I ever dreamed I could have.I wore clothes that I didn't need...Who the heck changes five times a day? and into specially matching outfits?

I look at myself in the mirror and I'm disgusted by what I see.time was when I used to derive joy to see my cute face,nicely muscled,fatless body and my hair had me wondering if it was really mine.I thought I was a sight to see.I thought I was beautiful.Today it's not the case..No,not anymore.

On the exterior,I'm looking faboulous,exactly like I always dreamed.But internally,I know better,I know it's just like a scotch-egg.A rotten egg inside and yummy,mouth-watering coat on the outside.You never know until you bite.

I have on 6 articles of clothing,I now live in a cold part of the world.I now kiss boys.....yes BOYS,just to get money.I do things that Mum will never approve of.She would say "that's not what good boys do!"

I had all it took to be a success btu I got carried away by the fancy things,the cars,the clothes,everthing looked so...so....Amazing!

But No!....Not anymore.I try to think,how I got so filthy in such a short time.i definetely don't like the person I am now.it's not who I wanna be.I look at my life and I wonder if I'm in a movie or something.

I'd read books and see movies with men that do real awful things and I'd wonder how they changed from being innocent,cute,young kids that they once were to being diabolic humans,Now I think I have an idea...they didn't plan it.

The story of my new "job" started with clara,I think of her still.....


hehehe How y'all doing? holla at all my pips
Got mad love for y'all
sorry I'm having these sick Ideas these day but it's the most I can do with what I have right now
Cheers!

I DON'T REMEMBER

I stood there looking at it's face.
It was crying and it seemed to only have one purpose:

Annoy me out of my mind

She had left him with me since last week.Just after my last rest that lasted 30mins.

She had come in just after I had fallen asleep.

She had told me it's name but now I don't remember.

I think she said it was a girl.....or was it a boy.....I seriously don't remember.

The last time I cahnged it's diapers I was tranced,under the spell of insomnia that I barely recall what I saw.

I walked slowly to it's crib,I put in my hands to grab it's neck with a desperate look on my face.I had to do it.

I had to sleep.

I saw it's face turn from red to white.It wasn't crying now.

Just then the phone rang and a voice said "Look out the window"

There I saw Mrs. Bolaji,the nosy bitch

"I called the Police and they're on their way",she said.I felt like dying and that point

then she added,"I also called the hospital son,you need help"

I never thought I could see the day I'd be thankful for the nosy B****h.I just glided into oblivion in a silence...strangely.

I thought I heard someone walk in but I don't remember...I don't remember

THE YEARS OF SLAVERY AND....

....then freeedom came spontaneously.It felt weird at the beginning,none of us believed that after 5 years or being subjected to feeling enslaved,we finally had room to spread out our wings.

Our tale of life in secondary school might be similar to only a few but then among those few,we stood out.That morning I walked down the "sacred pathway" that the senior students had coveted for themselves only.We were more like animals destined to walk on the grassy,sandy pathwayalong with the Herbivores.
On the food chain the dog was on a higher strata than we,every rabies bite fearing senior let the dogs be.

As I walked down that morning at about 6:00am,I met Jeff along the way.He looked at me knowingly and we both burst out in screams of joy until someone in a window shouted at us to stop disturbing their sleep.

We parted,and I walked over to the final year students dormitory.I stood right in front and stared at the set of supposedly humans that caused us and our parents pain for over 5 years.I clenched my fist and felt like hurting someone,I felt like hurting all of them.

There they were smiling and rejoicing.

Why were they rejoicing?

Certainly not for the fact they they had come to the enc of their secondary studies

NO

It was for how they had gotten away with all the evil things they had done.These evils varied from extorting from someone,a set of provisions meant for a couple of months and wastefully consuming it in a day.It was with these guys that I saw a can of 350g powdered milk get dissolved in a cup of 5cl.The things they did with our provisions made me wonder sometimes if these people had any conscience.

A couple of them saw me and stopped smiling immediately.On a normal day I couldn't even dare to think of standing where I stood that day so they probably thought I had something backing me.They quickly moved away.Inside of me I felt joy.The joy of taking back what was rightfully mine,my freedom,even if I didn't fight for it when I should have.

I turned and walked slowly to my dormitory,I reminensced about all the times I had run away from that dormitory to avoid being caught by another senior.I had never noticed that there was a divinely beautiful flower plant by the side of the pathway.Not that I liked fllowers or that kinda stuff but I'm just normally a kind of person who notices stuff and also notice when they change.I was feeling like .....



I got back to my dormitory and there were "parties" going on.Boys were celebrtaing the "new era" with garri,cornflakes,cabin biscuits all mixed together in buckets and sauced with milk and chocolate beverages.

I sat on my bed and began to plot my next use of this new foud freedom,it was going to be the freedom of expression,the liberty to express my feelings to miss Daisy anywhere I met her and not worry about any stupid ass senior sending me to buy him some snacks with my own money.

I was imagigining me kissing her already.I smiled and that smile didn't leave my face throughout that day.I sighed with dreamy eyes

"OH DAISY!....."

DAMN!!

Why does it have to be this way?

I see her in the bus and my heart melts,I try not to look at her but I find myself staring everytime I sense a movement in her direction

"Is she getting out of the bus?",I ask myself

I turn to find that she's still there,unaware that I even exist or ....

I look at the woman selling fruits by the side of the road,she looked beautiful and like she could have done a whole lot better with her life,but then I didn't know a thing about her so I wasn't going to start writing up her life's story.

A girl in a red cardigan walked up to her and started picking up some oranges,I noticed the cardigan was kinda nice and I turned away.At the same moment she turned to frown at some tout who had accidentally hit her without apologising.

I saw her face,I had been so engrossed by the woman selling orabges that I didn't even notice when she alighted the bus.The bus began to move .....DAMN!!!

I noticed that she was through with her bargaining and was paying for the oranges.I began to holler the bus driver to stop so I could make my way towards "SHE" but being my lucky day,the bus driver had to be playing some stupid ass yoruba music.He eventually heard me,but had to move a further 50m before he could find a place to park.

I hastily paid him and didn't even bother for change,a nasty mistake I was only to realise later.

I made my way towards the orange seller woman,who didn't appear to be as potential as I thought.Her spoken english only went to confirm my thoughs as she replied my enquiries of the direction her "red cardiganed female costumer" had taken

"Me I no dey sell funnel,waka go mama Flour shop go ask!

or was it "mama flower"?

I I told her I didn't mean funnel but female which is the same thing as girl but as she wasn't still understanding me,I tried to communicate in my "clssiest" pidgin english ever

"shey you see wan girl,wey wear red swota(sweater/cardigan),wey follow you buy market now now,you sabi where she pass?"

After about 3 mins of time I didn't have,I was able to extract from her that my prey had boarded a bus nearby,which was just moving away

DAMN!...

I quckly looked for a motor bike taxi(okada)

" BROS!!!!.......make you follow that "Danfo" bus "

I wasn't taking any chances with deaf or illiterate people anymore not in my life time

The chase went on for a while until I saw her get off the bus about 30 mins later,I instantly paid off "bros" and in the process "throwing away" a certain amount of money that I would have normally not dreamt of spending but I was "knocked down" by ....... "was it love?"

I approached "mademoiselle" saying

"Hi,I would..."

The words never came out of my mouth as I saw some angrily determined individual walking towards me and I think these were the words I heard

"Maga wey dey find Kpomo,if you no won go another place go find am you go see kpakpo"

I didn't wait to find out what those words meant,cos an hour of street education had intensely broadened my pidgin englis vocabulary.

I half flew,half ran,feeling the soles of my feet move close to my ears.Luckily "Bros" hadn't moved away

And surprisingly I heard these words come out my mouth

"Ja!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Yeah it could qualify for more that one word cos I didn't hear it as one word at the moment

I and bros sped off on his motor bike with my heart in my mouth and my arms around his body.....at least until I noticed the pervert having some stupid-ass smiley expression on his face.



This story came out as I put my hands to keyboard I hope y'all like it cos I had na opportunity to blog and I had to improvise.....got mad love for y'all CHEERS

MISSING IT

I would like to just leave a couple of words and let all those who pass by here know that I'm alive and in goo health lol

I'm kinda unavailable for the while and don't know when I'll have a chance to note down a couple of random thoughts that pass through my brain some of the times

Miss you all like ....... Kuli kuli nah maybe more!*

cheers my loves

P.S

holla at my girl Ms' dufa

I'M GETTING MARRIED

Growing up,I used to watch tv programmes like cartoons in the day time from 4pm cos that was the time those stupid NTAs began broadcast and talking bout NTA,any Lagos pips remember NTA channel 7?

Let's say cartoons were on the different station till 6:30 sometimes 7pm but after that we never really knew cos it was then time for news and ish and God bless our yanshes if we didn't have the station changed to NTA 10,they had basically the same news with NTA 5 but 10 had a clearer reception.

I know y'all is getting a bit confused for some pips who didn't have the priviledge of growing up in lagos around the same era I did.They were five Tv stations when I was younger like OGTV-which was being broadcasted from ogun state,there were the NTAs 5,7 and 10 and then there was the Lagos TV(LTV).

I would have to endure watching the news sometime so that I wouldn't miss the begining of the soap opera that would follow.The glory days of "the rich also cry", "Maria Los angeles" "wild rose" "secrets of the sands"-my fav and all the others.before these soaps would begin there would be an assault of commercials the guiness' adverts,Coca cola's and the point of this post the CIGARETTE adverts.

I adored those adverts they were always so futuristically neat and gave you the impression of a successful man of class.The houses ,the cribs and the way they placed the cigarettes on the tables or took a wiff of the smoke.It all made me feel so giddy and I began to dream.Till this day my dream model of a house came from one of the adverts in a magazine,I think it was Malboro or was it rothman's....I forget.

It had this magnificently white crib with a whitish marble table that had some kinda patterns,cool patters on it.And the dude placed his pack of cigarettes on the table togathet with his keys tto a BIG BMW which was parked outside.He was dressed so nicely and he was walking into the arms of his wife*now that I know better girlfriend or maybe even uncommited "friend"* who was equally*more than actually* divinely dressed.

There was a Piano in the background and the house had a view of nature like crazily pretty nature not the kind of nature you see in farms or ish the kind you get from moutains and unadulterated landscapes.

At about the same time,I discovered THE LADY.

I would come home every sunday to meet some stupid TV programme on NTA 5 where there played "stupid" love songs that would make me feel sick.I so hated loving and mushiness when I was little.It's a surprise that today......I digresss.

Anyways,one day I came home and there she was on the TV screen,the woman I had every intention to marry,the woman I would live with in my all white crib and drive my car with her by my side *that was the general idea in my little days I naturally felt it was the responsibility of a man to drive and the woman by his side holding his hand and ish but today,I know women who drive like "witches"*And we were going to live happily in the house just holding hands every night.She was beautiful,had a nice face and she sang and to me that was all that mattered.I didn't go round obsessing about women with extra large this or that.

She had on a wedding gown and she was singing some ish that I didn't quite understand but she didn't look happy and my 7 year old self or was I six? well I just wanted to comfort her,hold her in my arms and make her pain go away.I wanted to promise her that I was never going to cheat on her or leave her side and ish.I wanted to e the best man ever for her,reall,all 7 year old of me.

The next time I saw her,she didn't have on the wedding gown but this time I understood what she was saying "How could an angel break my heart?" I felt guilty immediatel cos there had been this pretty girl in school who sat two seats away from me whose hand I so wanted to hold.I cried when I heard her sing,it was like she was talking to me and she was crying because of me.


From Toni with love
I thought to my self "what have I done? exactly what I promised I wouldn't do"

All the while I never noticed the guys in the videos and how much she would kiss them and be engaged in a funny kinda embrace clothless.I asked my mum why she had no clothes on,she said that it was all "film trick" that reassured me especially when she offered to show me how a kiss was done in "film trick" I rudely declined "No don't worry" I think were my exact words but in a tone that had mixed emotions or surprise,disgust and fear.

Once again I was in love with Toni,more with her voice that didn't sound like all the girly girls I knew.she seemed to me like a woman I would play football with and stuff,despite the promiscuously short clothing she wore in her vids.I didn't mind,I didn't mind anything when it came to Toni,I was in love.

Until one day I saw her with a man in the video "How many ways",ever since I had known her,she sang of heartbreak and I was there to comfort her and now she was leaving me to sing for some disgustingly *now I think awesomely* muscled dude with "fried" hair.I felt so annoyed and betrayed.she never sang that kind of song to me or bothered to come look for me to hold me and kiss me on my lips like she did to the dude.



I broke up with toni that day and only forgave her some 8 years afterwards when she did this crazily nice video of "he wasn't man enough for me" I guess she had left the "fried" haired "kpako" dude.

I don't know how to end this but I know I was a maga*like scribbles says*

That's all folks.It's your boy gfunc

I KNOW... I KNOW don't bother telling me!

Just a couple of words that will turn out to be the greatest rant ever.

I was just thinking about the similarity of Food and sex like they are kinda similar.For instance,You can have more than a maximum quantity of them no matter how hard you try.Prior to starting either of these activities you might say to yourself

"Today na today na me and you I go finish you die"

But there always comes that optimum point like where you no longer derive any utility from them.It follows a bloody law of Declining Utility.

I dunno how to develop this but I think they're kinda similar and when I have more ideas I'll let you know and the fact that most people have more than they should of both "things" is another similarity and they are kinda irresitible "kinda"

I recall this one time ,it was my last year in secondary school and I was becoming weird like the boy child loving skin changed female voiced MJ kinda weird,Yes!

At that time I was starting to like books not novels,comics or address books,NO! but real textbook that were written on highly advanced subjecs such as elementary maths,physics,CHEMISTRY,and a whole lot of secondary school subjects texts.I was begining to have words like Diodes,genes,bi polar junction,Surface tension crossing my mind.

I'd see a mobile phone and instead of simply concluding that it was powered by witchcraft,I'd begin to think that there were electromagnetic waves being emmited by the said phone due to the stimulation of a given substance that are propagated to a nearby transmitter mast yeah all of them big mast-like thingies which in turn transmits it to another mast and anoother till it gets to the mast nearest to the person you're calling (or being called by in another scenario) and then the persons phone rings and ish.Yeah I was that weird!

Funny thing is that at the same time I was liking book,I had begun to pick up courage to talk with some of the numerous girl I had been eyeing for the past 5 years without an ounce of courage to even ask to borrow they biros.It was a kinda complicated thingy.

One day it hit me that I had a crush for a certain girl whose hair smelt divine like this happened at the time I was supposed to be taking my final exams.It came to a maximun when one day I saw her with an ex-female classmate going to get some snacks and Courage from where-I-have -no-idea came upon me and I walked over said hi and took their hands and though I held two hands my brain and certain other nerves were more focused on my right hand cos that was where this Petite divinely fragranced girl was.Oh sweet memories! To think how I felt so much more than Obasanjo holding that hand.

I don't know about y'all but ,do y'all have any idea what it how awesome a woman's touch is?

Like sometimes the skin of a woman brushes your's and you just shiver,you have all these sound and electromagnetic waves running through every nerve in your body.I mean everybody should relate to this *probably even girls* like I mean I would so much prefer a lesbian to a gay guy *pun intended*

That's all y'all I guess this rant is come to an end

And please do leave you insults at the end in the comment box

My GRANDMUM is WICKED

That sound kinda harsh but let me expalin myself.

She went on her journey,when I had just started to get to know her.Funny thing is that before this said "knowing",when I thought of her it was usually in relation to her cooking.

I'm being kinda vague,so I'll go ahead to explain me bit by bit:

"My grandma is the best cook in the world

She would concoct stews made from fresh freshly-ground tomatoes and not too much artificial ish; Tinned tomatoes,spices.A bit of salt,pepper and she got an excellent aroma emitting from whatever pot.And did I mention that She was a culinary genius? well she was.

I had to work a little bit with an uncle who she lives with,and so she was cooking my meals and became my supermum.supermum =grandma+part-time mum
She would scream at me when I came home to get my ish in order.She was like:

"Go to the bathroom and wash your ass,I won't have you messing up my crib with your yeye body wey you don use pack all the whole dust for you uncle shop"

The weekends and environmental sanitation days were the worst,she had me moving like a robot*robots hardly rest right?* I was either cleaning this or washing that or dusting those or buying them or ..... Y'all get the idea

Normally at the end of all these activities I would get my reward a bowl of steaming heaven-inviting food yeah heaven-inviting,those were the kinda meals that you ate and you wouldn't mind if that was your last souvenir before you died.

Did I mention that she's the cleanest individual I know? well this woman knows how to scrub ish till they were shining like bling bling.I never got to know the secret but she would wash white clothes with her hands and the became so brilliant.Bowls,buckets,clothes,pots,spoons .... anything that was hers had to be spotless. she used them kerosine stoves but you'd hardly ever see her pot get blackened.She would reduce the stove temp until you only saw blue flame and then she would leave it for a while before she used the stove.

She was never in a hurry to cook,she said "Na so the food go take sweet well well".y'all know she was the best cook right?.

She thought me the couple of words I know in her language "merikumeni kete" I don't know if that's how it's written but hey.It means "I will eat a lot today".With a super chef in the house,who wouldn't?

She was so devoted to God and stuff;going to night vigils evn when her health was not all cha cha,fasting and paying her tithes and ish.I really would love to imitate her devotion.

I'm quite sure that's she's with Jesus right now in that heaven that she travelled to and they're skating or doing something like skydiving from a space-craft.You guys didn't know how it gets over there?

I say my grandma left me,YES she abandonned me while I left her and went to school for less than three months.She didn't look sick to me,No not really.FINE she was kinda old but not as old as methuselah I don't think she was more than 60.They said she was sick and then ish.

But I know better,I know she abandonned me to go and enjoy herself in heaven,if that's not the case,why didn't she wait for me to come back from school?
She had to leave when I wasn't there so I wouldn't be able to persuade her to stay.

The wicked woman,YES My grandma is wicked! but I love her more that ever now.

May her soul bougie and do crazy stunts in heaven.I know she didn't have like the most "beyoncé" voice but I'm sure she's keeping it real Kanye-Tpain style for Jesus

"Dedicated to my grandma Comfort who passed away december 2008.GOD bless You
I'm sorry if I put the food and cleanliness before the fact that she was a Child of GOD but it's gfunc now and again she always knew about everything and I mean everything even if she wasn't quite sure wat it was and she mixed up things that she didn't really understand because her english was not so Queen of englandish,but she would tell you thing that made you open you mouth and not be able to close it.

GFUNC in TOKYO

Nowadays I've come to start to like to go abroad.

I don't know if I've mentioned this before but I'd really like to go to some foreign coutry where you have seasons and ish like there are fancy names for the seasons.We say rainy season and dry season and sometime harmattan and that's about it.But in western countries they say ish like winter,summer,autumn,spring,fall,and a couple of other that don't come to mind right now.

I was walking through the streets the other day,in fact I was in a market where people like me go to but electronics and stuff,then it started to rain.I had to be some place and since I didn't have money to pay for "okada" *public transport in form of motor bikes*,I had to walk through the rain.

It got to a point where I began to feel kinda cold and I was shivering and then i noticed that my breath was forming fumes,like white fumes.You know how it gets in those foreign films where you see the people talking and they're producing fumes like as if they were smoking when they actually aren't,well that happened to me and I had a God sent "oyinbo" experience hehe.

I want you all to be aware that I'm a liar,that's wat Goodnaijagirl told me.And yes it is true.I write on my blog wat I feel like I place myself *or the character* where I want feel like and I write based on that.Like she asked me I might not even be a guy but that's just me,that's just Gfunc.

I just had to make this clear so that people don't get surprises and take me for someone I'm not.I may have said my name and stuff but that kinda makes me all the more anonymous because then you don't know me at all,cos I'm limited to not write all that I want and ish.But sometime I do.....It's all kinda complicated.I mostly write watever comes to mind and that's it.

I wish y'all a lovely day not minding if you don't read this post today,matter of fact I want to wish y'all a lovely life.CHEERS!

i still gat love for ms dufa*though she hasn't commented on my last post*,David *the russian*,Sir scribbles*small love* and all y'all

BY DUFA....I'M LOVED

Going through my email I see all these nice comments on my blog and they're all from ms dufa,like I think she's commented on every single one of my posts,well if not all of them but I know she's read all of them.It makes me wonder seeing these comments;

Am I actually a good writer?

Can I actually get people hooked to my stuff?

But then she's like the only one constantly doing that,First there was vera,then Afrobabe even chari stopped one time to leave a comment saying he liked my blog hehe there's been Sir scribbles,Roc naija,Myne whiteman and a couple of others that I don't have in my head and yeah there are all the followers.I can't forget y'all,got mad love for y'all.

But the point remains that she's become my no.1 favorite *why do you think I'm writing a post about her?*

To think that someone who has like thios crazily organised imagination;she tells stories with details,those kinda details that help you picture a more graphic scene nto like the scanty stories I tell.I really wonder how she does it to comment each time.I find commenting on blogs tiring and I don't feel obligated to do it and stuff,first because no one's coming to comment on mine,like the people who I comment on their blogs are like those established bloggers that have like 100 comments per post on the first day,so where would they find the time and energy and ish to come comment on mine.

No offence or anything,but it's just the thoughts going through my head,I guess there are some people like me who just read and don't comment so I know how it gets.
For everyone that has ever commented on my blog and made me feel special.I'm forever *well not literally* in debt to you.Lady koko the rest I gat mad love for y'all.

If you see me walking down the strett in my normal geeky way just walk on by,don't even bothere to look cos that's what you'll do but if for once you decide to do otherwise just for once..DON'T

I'm not cool enough to be yor friend,even if you're a girl that's liking me... DON'T cos you'd be stepping away from the norms wouldn't you? like teh odd one from the stereotype


I'm rambling mega rubbish now so I gotta leave.I could say that this was post I guess.

Much love to you babe.have a nice time running two cool blogs.cheers

ME MUST POST!!!!!! 3

...it was back to square one but this time he was wiser and older.He started work in a computer sales outlet where he was able to make ends meet being that the computer industry was just gaining ground in Bali.People quickly took a liking to him cos to them he knew so much about computers that they knew pratically nothing about.

One day he was in the shop alone when a young lady of about his age came in.She smiled immediatel she saw him,

"You're just the person I want to see",she said.

"ME?",he replied puzzled

"yes YOU,I was here a couple of weeks before with a friend to buy a harddrive for her pc"

"Ok,how may I help you Madam"

he thought he sounded funny acting all formal and all and saying madam ish,a couple of years before and he would have tried to get her phone number instead

"From my deductions it seems you're know pretty much a lot about computers,I'm having a problem with my processor I think it's damaged and my system no longer runs as fast as it used to.I would have tried to change it but i was wondering if you could come look at it first and tell me wat you think"

"It's likey your system is infected by a ...."

"VIRUS?" she interupted him, "I already checked that with an antivirus created by a friend of mine with all the latest updates but it found nothing,I even went through the system's directories manually but I found no discrep...."

she continued to talk but at this point Bobo Yin had lost hearing,he saw her mouth moving but heard nothing all he saw was teh face of an angel talking processor speeds,video support capacity,memory size....

Once again Bobo Yin had beeen struck by cupid's arrow.he went to her place and tehy finaly decided to change the whole system as Swashi *that was her name* kept on countering his every sugestion sayin why it wasn't sufficient and stuff.

She asked him to accompany her to geta brand new one,he told her he had to work she said that she would request for his services from his boss and pay for the time he would spend with her if need be.

the went to get the system and after a whole lot of arguing about which was the best and wishing if it wasn't too expensive and even when it was she would just linger in front of a to-kill-for system and lust for it.At the end of teh day they left without her choosing one,she said she would wait to get more money before she got one.

They made six trips before she atcually got one,but when he saw it,he acknowledged that it was actuall worth it.At time when people used Pentium 3 and were feeling like Obama in BAli,she got her hand on a Pentium core duo 2 system with 200gb hard drive memory,3.5GB RAM,processor speed......

They got married in Two months,Bobo Yin said he would kill himself if he didn't marry her *bloody liar* time went on and they didn't have any kids but they were happy cos they had six more powerful computers and they also ahd a computer business running where Bobo Yin sold customised computer systems and they lived happily ever after till one day God smiled on them when Bobo Yin was 60 years old and Shiska 50.they gave birth to a son and they lived happierly ever after


I hop y'all enjoyed this horrible end I'mm sorry I couldn't do better but that's just the way gfunc is hehe


much love to my pips ms dufa and myne whiteman and sugarking

ME MUST POST!!!!!! 2

....warned not to eat meals in other people's houses.Bobo Yin found himself learning to cook.Thanks to Obidike,a co-tenant he learnt to cook a couple of nigerian meals,and as time went on he found himself loving starch and Banga soup.He and Obidike became good friends until Obidike found out that Bobo Yin was touching his sister in places where... *well I'll let y'all imagine*

Obidike reported him to the traders association in Alaba and Bobo Yin was ostracised *I wonder wat this word means* anyways he was banished from the market cos Obidike had connections.The fighting spirit in him led him to begin a career in catering services *a posh name for wat we know as mama or papa put in his case.The business actually flourished for a while until he met Debby.Debby was a rice trader she sold bags of rice to people who ordered for them,she had a flat tire and it was being fixed in a mechanic's close to his joint.She came in to get a bottle of soft drink but the real reason was to escape the advances she was getting from the local boys around the mechanic's workshop.At that moment Bobo Yin was busy handling a pot of amala he was preparing and trying to wash dishes at the same time.

She went over to him and noticing his unusual accent as he made good her order,she asked;

"Futeo make buignol effi?"

Shocked out of his inevitable afro,he replied;

"Futea marina Bali 3 anioses"

I know I got y'all lost even myself but they were speaking some dialect that a tribe in Bali speak and he said he went to school in Bali for 3 years after she asked him if he had any relation with the buignols.

They got talking and she noticed how smart he sounded and they kept talking more and more and even left the amala that Bobo Yin was preparing to get burnt.It's some strange tradition that the buignols practise.They leave everyother thing they're doing when you have a guest in the house and you must sit on the floor while your guest stands.

After telling her his sad story and how he found his ass doing papa put,she gave him her address and asked him to come see her at home.She left and Bobo Yin couldn't stop smiling throughout the day cos the Buignols have it as tradition that if you became sad after receiving a guest in your house you were likely to die in your sleep.

The day came that Bobo Yin was to go see her.Equiped with brand new white clothing he went there in a taxi-something he had never done since he came to Nigeria.She met him at the door and like the buignols she welcomed him with a french kiss *another buignol thingy* but the kiss is not to necessarily last more than 10 sec but this particular kiss went on for 5 full minutes and later on graduated to something else.

The two fell in love and Debby encouraged him to continue his studies.He enrolled in APTECH apapa where he got certified as a computer specialist and he began to make crazy money in the time of the internet boom.he became a big boy and got himself a car and got a Luxury bus for Debby.Life was splendid until the day Debby was killed on her way back from Cotonou.A jealous custom officer who she had turned down his advance so many times had been behind it.

Bobo Yin got wind of this news,sold off alll his property and got on a plane to his home town but as he was ascending the stairs of the plane,the "custom officer" was descending into teh earth being a muslim and all he wasn't allowed to stay more than a day in the mortuary.

A new life in a town he left Six years ago,things had changed the economy of his coutry was now better that that of Nigeria as well as their currency so he wasn't such a big boy anymore,so.........


I'm sorry if I sound like a Nigerian movie but this is to be continued cheers!!!

Me MUST POST !!!!!

ok today was kinda aight like I went out to some interview thingy for a school and I found myself feeling like don jazzy.Let me break it down,I had to do some logic reasoning ish and then answer questions in a language I wasn't supposed to understand but hehe I did and very well at that.I also was tested for how much computer knowledge I got and ish.It was kinda cool.

I then went off to celebrate or more like to cool off cos I ain't gat the verdict of the interview yet that's supposed to be out like two days from now.please pray for me

Some lovely darling bloggers asked me to update more and ish cos "they like my mind" hehe Props to Chari and Ms Dufa et al
me don be bros for this blogville oh


so here goes my attempt to actually put up a post.


It was a cold night in Arispanku,Bobo Yin had taked out the last of his stock he was a computer sales man in the North of Aris where they mak them LCD screens and stuff.As he carried the last box into the store he tripped and fell.The box fell on his feet and hurt him,he scrowled.

He got the box into the store,closed up for the day and proceeded to examine his feet it wasn't really bad but he knew that once home with Swashi,she would take care of that.And as every other time he came home with a cut she took care of him in ways that would soothe any man hehehehehe

That was really the only way he could unwind nowadays.To recall how his life had turned dramatically after he had gambled with his schooling.Going to parties,flirting with girls and trying to run a call centre business at the same time.He knew he was on a certain path for failure but the change he was getting from his "business" kinda got to his head and he just lost it and didn't even care about classes any more all he did was seek new girls and mock those going to class to read.


He sharply dropped in grades like from 100 to 21 hehe.There was no way that he could make up because he had missed a lot,so while trying to catch up his mates were going farther ahead.To cut the story short he failed and Papa Yin had refused to continue to pay his fees and besides there really wasn't anyway he was getting back to his former school.With that Bobo Yin set foot in Alaba international market where he began active life as a tout.

From the posh life he used to live in school in Bali,he had to migrate to Nigeria in west africa in a bid to seek greener pasture.He had heard that this Alaba boys made crzy money and all you had to know was to talk watever bull... comes to your head to try and get customers over to buy stuff from you even if sometimes what you said did just the opposite but surprisingly some people just bought from you so you stop disturbing them.

He retired home each day to a little room in a sub rural area of Lagos,Nigeria.His room was in a hostel like accomodation.It had a corridor that went on like for ever and rooms like facing each other along the way.Toiletting facilities were not 5 star.The supposedly kitchen was at the back of the house and was shared by about 23 1/2 people and it wasn't very funny.having been nred not to eat out of home........




this is triesome y'all read I'll try to complete it later my hands are killing me right now

MY SWEET POTATOE

To think that beauty comes dressed in green and black would be so unacceptable but as a matter of fact "he" actually does wear "green and black" outfits.Yes "he" ,something so bold,so confident,so watever else can it be called? A "she" now or can't it?

I walked past her in her unattractive outfit and one other thing;She had a scarf on,a not very attractive scarf.I was surrounded by beautiful young girls everyday who wore those typical girly coulour in shades that make you wanna say curse word to you mama *not that I would think to try,na dat day I go pack my load comot her house na* Well these girls were out of secondary school and were just beginning to have freedom from school uniforms on a daily so I guess,they had collected money from all their uncles,brothers,fathers*in some cases more than one,it is possible init?* One way ticket to yaba or watever place it is they got to.They pratically went about emptying the shops of those traders.Some even were wicked enough to buy white outfits*white outfits,especially on babes,does to me what 18 years olds do to Berlusconi*

In such a position I had no regard for green and black outfits on a girl whose complexion was also kinda looking greenish blackish*hehe I didn't say that*

That day I had some papers to look through,and the man for whom i was kinda slaving asked her and a couple of others to come join me.To make things kinda clear,I was helping out in a preparatory centre where post graduate secondary students attend to get tutorials for JAMB.The fact that I helped out in stuff made me attend free because I was also writing JAMB too.

She came in with the man,let's call him Rkelly,*why? you ask,well,he kinda reminds me of rkelly if you get my drift*.He cracked some silly joke and she smiled.he said something else and she began to laugh,a reserved kinda laugh that just made me think of royalty,dunno why! It was at that point that I loooked at her face.The most remarkable feature was her jaw,it's one of those jaws that just makes you think of kissing hehe

It's shape is so touch-me-while-you're-kissing-her ish.At that point I stood up to act the gentleman funny man,not that I'm much of that but I said something super cheezy about a beutiful girl coming to help me out had to be treated with care and I had to discomfort myself for her because it must be discomforting for her to hang around not so cute people like me,and I offered her my seat.We started work and i didn't really talk to her much except to show off once or twice the one or two acts of smartness i had picke up during my years of existence on earth.

We finished work and I moved into my "toy boy" gear.We talked about stuff and somehow we got to talking about her being married with kids*I really don't remember how*.I disagreed that she didn't have a husband or kids either and I set out to prove some stupidly scientific related theory concerning certain constants that disallowed her to be susceptible to a condition of marriage and also there were also no resultant reactions of her body to certain processes it must have undergone or whatever.The thing is that,I said all these stuff feeling that I was making a large fool of myself but somehow she found it funny,and couldn't stop laughing.Could it have been the accents I was imitating or the fact that I relayed my unaccounted "facts" with a speed superior to 2 times my normal talking speed hehe

We got really acquainted and soon it was time for my "aubergine" *there are them greenish black species hehe* to leave.I offered to hold her coat while she put it on.Okay! she didn't have a coat ,but if she had one I would have done that for her.That's why sometimes I curse being in Nigeria.Anyways I saw her off to the busstop or taxi stop or war-bus stop because it was a kinda car transport which folllowed the principles of bus transportation.It doesn't really matter if y'all don't get what I mean because I barely do hehe.

We had to cross the road,I explained to her that being that there were no traffic lights,I had to do the gentlemanly thing and hold her hand while we crossed the road,being an "aje kpako" *not that I can say she wasn't one herself hehe*.I held her hand and she didn't object not even when after we had crossed the road I continued to hold her hand,not even when the first car-bus got filled up and left,not even when her mother passed by us*just kidding her mother didn't pass by*.But seriously I held her hand longer than was unnecessary*just to show how much*

I got her phone number and I got to touch her jaw.I told her I loved it that it made me think of something.I touched it againg and she asked what it made me think of.I didn't reply just looked into her eyes,those lovely maroon coloured eyes that reminded me of "sunday morning" *long thing joke*.
The amount of electricity that surrouded us at that moment was immense so immense that I cursed being in Nigeria again.

Oyinbo no even need half of all this "chemistry and physics combined" to have start touching bodies and there I was,denied of my first kiss once again all because I was at some busy,and traditionally nigerian bus stop in OKOKOMAIKO.

I once said I wished to go to the USA or just travel abroad so I can experience a lot of things which range from eating Macdonalds "food" *junk food hehe* to getting involved in violence and stuff like hero seeking revenge kinda violence.

I let go of her jaw physically but in my mind,hmmmmmm.... I dare not tell y'all what was going on in there.I watched her get into the car-bus forced some money into her handbag to pay for her fare,as a gentle man now!.She tried to return it but I was moved aside.sandwiched between two people she couldn't easily alight the vehicule.

I watched the car-bus move away,along with her,my first kiss,and of course my transport money.Damn! how I go take reach house now? E don red! I folded the ends of my trousers and started the long walk home......It really was long and to think I gained nothing for it but would the story end that way?who know!


DISCLAIMER:In the event where you have been mislead or perhaps do not understand the head or tail of these regular rambling of words please do not bother to think that you saw this on the "gfunc" blog.But if you made a little bit of sense out of it,well there's only one thing to say.............I LOOOOOOOOOOVE YOOOOOOOOOU!!!!!!!

BEST I EVER HAD hehe!

Side by side holding hands on an empty........well almost empty school sports arena
It was my third personal love story.Young and slim.Intelligent and beutiful enough*explosive combo init* I had made her acquantaince with some cheezy line about Man U hehe.till this day I love that club.

The day we met I had somehow failed to get her phone number.I certainly didn't know what came over me that day but i did crazy things in a bid to get her attention.i played a certain football linked game,took care of kids,spent more than i was meant to.......... and at the end failed to get her number.

Luckily I was with friends who were with her friends and One of em got a number of one of her friends and bingo!hehe I gave my number to that friend and asked her to give it to my dame and ask her to call me.All this was to see if she was interested or something because I've been a sucker who asked girls,who didn't give a shit about me,for their numbers and kinda got screwed at the end.

The day she called I was with my boys in the room,trying to cook up some gfunc special noodles bien peppered hehe,I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket.Checked to see her number,I silently left my boys to a secluded area and was like

-"Hello"
-"Hello"
Pretending to react to hearing a girls voice
-"oookaayy who's this?"
-It's third!"
Acting surprised
"hey third how are ya? I guess friend gave you my number,coool!!"
"yes,she did and I'm fine"
trying to act busy and stuff
"You know wat,Can I call you tonight cos I kinda am busy right now?"
I can't let my beans burn because of woman na wetin i go come chop?


I called her that night and got to know her better.I got details that would serve my purpose and at the end of the conversation I made a pleasant discovery that she would be present in my area everyday or so cos she was a "church" girl hehe.We fixed a date for the next day.

Next day came and she wasn't hungry so that cancelled MR biggs or any substitute.She decided we go strrolling in the woods.WOOOODS KE!!!!!!!! which day me and you turn oyinbo??? You no know how many snake and cockroach dey that bush wey you dey call wood kpsheeeeeeeeeeewwww!!!!. She told me if I wasn't interested that she would be on her way and then I was like "Baby!*insert igbo accent* you shouldn't take me seriously whether na wood or na fire wood or na bush or forest you want I will go with you.

We went to a school's make-do Stadium wher we sat down and contrary to my earlier thoughts I kinda enjoyed the stadium thingy and I got to hold her hands for the first time and she brough biscuits and "Caprisonne(TM)".Compared to the amount of money I spend playing games to win her a prize,this was nothing but at least a "good" start in a positive direction.

Time went past,we had regular meetings and i sometimes touched her hands and sometimes I didn't.One day we met in the "woods" and she began talking;

-"What do you think of me or what am I to you?"
-"well you're third now?"
-"well,I know that you're in love with me so you had better admit it"
*cheiiiiiiiiiiii!!!! na me this small girl dey talk to like this? who tell her say me dey love? hehe*
-"I won't deny it since you said it already"
-"Well,I want to tell you I have a boyfriend"
In my head there was this gen gen sound
-"you're joking!"
-"seriously,He's in lagos and he travelled for a while that's why I've been having time to hang out with you,but he's coming back today,so I have to tell you incase you don't see me any longer"

At this point I stood up and said,"I wish you the best then,bye"
I began to walk away,then she held my hand*DAMN! that fely good!*
then she said,
-"the thing is I've started to like you and I don't know wat to think"

My thoughts that had moved from my brain to somewhere else now came back to my head to cause it to swell hehe *you go fear fine boy na*

I held her hand,moved my touch from her fingers to her shoulders then by projective motion,my hand moved to her jaw and this was it!!!! I was going to moved my head hehe

I moved slowly and she closed her eyes and I thought *this is it "YES I CAN KISS A GIRL!*My lips just touched hers when she opened her eyes and moved her head.

-"What are you doing?????????"

Embarrassed,I let go and just stared at her speechless.Once again and this time in reality I had been denied the pleasure of knowing why there's so much hype about kissing.


heheheheheh

MY FIRST ..........

I forgive,I forgive so much that sometimes I think I am a child,well not really a child but a a semi-adult who is a child at heart and knows what superposition means in two subjects.I do not bear grudges for as long as i'd like to no matter how hard I try but sometimes i just dislike a person for no absolute reason or maybe i saw him/her do something and I decided to give it my own interpretation and from then on dislike the person.

I'm in one of those moods,you know the kind of moods where you experience a spark that occurs as a result of pluto crossing neptune and along the way brushing the edges of it's ring* is it pluto that has a ring?....I wonder* along the side of the planet as a result emmiting a sound wave that moves all the way to the earth and gets to strike the head of someone,which at that particular moment was vibrating at the exact same frequency as the sound wave.Thus this sets the head into resonance and makes men do the impossible like jump from airplanes,invent skate boards,roller skates and perform incredible stunts with them,and even do suicide bombing experiments to see how many people a suicide bomber sends to heaven/hell on an average.

She asked me if I'd be coming over to her place that night,I said yes.I had to cos i had lessons,piano lessons over there with her guy friend who had introduced us.who had told me that she said she'd like to get to know me.I had never felt so confused in all my life.

The first time I saw her I said to myself once again that i was going to marry this girl,and at the time there was also another girl at school who I also told myself that i was going to marry too,talk about lust.I had always thought about her and what it would be like to hold her hand or to feel her leg rub against mine.I once had the opportunity to be in the same bus with her and though I could barely afford it i paid her fare that day.All she said was thank you and that was all,I alighted the bus,she didn't even spare me a glance.I told self "you have officially been chopped and screwed"

Time went on,I lost my fierce desire to marry her.She had changed with time.Her breasts became large and she walked in a unnatural way *a walk that was obviously practiced and forced because it didn't go with her* I lost my small*almost negligible* breasted innocent girl and in her place there stood a woman with large mammary glands with a weird walk.The fact that rumours went round town that her sister were flirting with boys in the area didn't help matters.The stigma kinda smeared on her too.I'm not one to judge people but when I don't have first hand information to be sure I'm always cautious.So I just didn't like her as much as before.

I took up piano lessons with a mutual friend after my secondary school final while waiting for university admission.Funnily he suggested that we have the lessons in their house because he sang with the sisters and so that way he could kill two birds with a stone.I readily agreed becuse I'm one who enjoys learning in a place where there are girls,it make it interesting.

Two lessons after I began,My "lecturer" was escorting me to the gate of my street when he told me that there's someone who would like to get to know me better.I asked "who?"
He asked me to guess,but I couldn't so he told me it was her and there I froze.To think that a girl I had always secretly admired all these years could like me was totally incredible.I thought he was pulling my legs because this was a girl who didn't stick around anytime I was in their house.She would just find some excuse to leave the sitting room.

Time went on and I didn't hear anything from her or from "teacher chike".One day he asked me if I had spoken to her.i said "No" he asked "why" I said "because i thought you were joking".He told me that she wanted to talk to me.I said there was no problem "why not".I went over to meet her and said "hi" she said "hi" and then there was nothing else to say.we just stayed there with me feeling weird and all.Teacher then came to say he was going and I used this as a means of escape.I said I had to go too.

The next day she called I guess she had gotten my number from my "lecturer" she asked if I was coming over to her place? I said I would.i went over and as soon as I saw her held her hand.Reason: I don't know.The sensation was mind blowing.Her skin was soft,so soft it felt like a baby's.I led her to a broked down vehicule that was in their compound and weirdness 101 recommenced.We stayed this way for about 25 mins only this time I held her hand.At this time let's just say a part of my body decided it was charged enough to disobey gravity.Initially we stood side by side leaned againgst the car.Suddenly she turned and rested on me in hugging position.My first reaction was to try to lean back but I couldn't i was already on againgt the car.She didn't seem to mind that something was "pricking" her along the pelvic region.She looked into my eyes for the first time and there i saw what I can describe as sheer desire.

No girl had ever looked at me that way.It's a look kinda hard to describe but I didn't react and so she moved her neck slightly and I saw her lips kinda part.I had seen this in some movies and I was sure this was supposed to be the sign for "hey dude kiss me already" I was kinda scred but I moved forward and she move forward as well and then I knew that this was it that i would finally have my first kiss at the age of 16.

All of a sudden I felt someone tap me.i turned to find myself looking into the face of my roommate at school.He just hissed and said,"wetin you dey dream sef,you had better get ready in like 15 mins or you're so going to be late for Osung's class"

I NEED A GIRL TO .......

Walking down the road today got me thinking how much I don't need this....stress iin my life.That don't mean I don't want it like damn but I choose not to.Not to crave that special someone,the one without whom I feel incomplete.

If I were incomplete without someone then that would mean that i would be kinda suicidal but I don't want that stuff,my religion forbids it,I'm supposed to be a christain by the way.

How the heck does something make you want it so much that you would do a whole lot of crazy stuff just to have it.Sex is like a drug.From what I know,you do it and you end it feeling kinda weak and wondering what you had just done *though I think this is when it's done under wrong conditions with a conscience still in place*

At a later date you find you wanting it all over again,the sight of some girl walking down the road send you thinking things that would make Jesus want to give you slap or better still a taste of what it feels like being nailed to a cross.

Talking about Jesus.I love that man.I love him for loving me.I love him for kinda feeling like me or was it he who gave me this feeling,hmmm.....I wonder.Leving his comfort zone to come down to earth and suffer and stuff.He lived a most simple life.Did some serious fasting and stuff.And at the end of the day was nailed to a cross.That kind love no be here oh.

The stuff I write are just words that come to me as I put hand to keyboard,I just hope they make sense to me and maybe someone.


I just though of leaving a couple of words on Michael Jackson;He was GOOOOD as in the greatest musician ever.If you know another please let me know cos I think it was he,but again what do I know?

I watched his funeral/memorial stuff and was really touched like I saw how creative and engrossed he was in his art.How his fans loved him and all.His performances,the stories of his experiences with real people.Even up to the rehearsal for his hither to upcoming concert;the feebless ,A man of 50 making great attempt to dance along side youg men in their 20's and 30's.

I watched his old videos and saw the way he moved when he danced,the way he got into his music that showed how much he really was in tune with the music,like the music gave him energy or something,like it gave him life.from "I want you back" through "thriller","bad","ghosts";I thought the dance in that video was really off the hook,up to "one more chance";with all his health problems and all,I heard his pain in that song,don't nobody ask me how but I love that song a lot.It made me fall in love with "Michael Jackson" again and reminded me why when I was a kid I would readily respond to "Who is your favorite musician?" well I don't think I need to answer that!

Good bye Michael! R.I.P

God bless you

THINK IT'S A LONG THING

I'm here sitting as a ressult of the intuition I had to blog about some stuff.I thought of writing something about Leggy,WHY?........I have no idea.maybe cos she or he,as the case maybe,was the only commenter on my last post.

I have been forsaken by my once mislead follower *people who waste thier time reading my ramblings lol* I now stand at the cross road,CONFUSED,DEPRESSED and AGONISED.I might be contemplating suicide.By suicide I hope y'all is not thinking i mean it literally.But I mean G-func,terminate it's *can't really say if it's a she or he* existence.

I was wondering yesterday,why I suck with girls or relationships as a whole.I usually get to that point with these people where I don't just feel them anymore,at least not like I used to at the beginning.I wondered if i was ever going to get married and stuff.I definetely want to have kids,but does that mean I have to get married to do that? ......I'm thinking sick thoughts right here.

I once was in a bus with a little girl and I saw this girl messing up with her mother.She was about five years or so and I guess she's an only child and she was compelling her mum to buy her some wrist watch.the manner in which she did it,made me feel like she felt she had some right to have another wrist watch*she had one on alrready*she kinda spoke in a haughty tone that had me imagining things and here's what came out..............

In the subway where I am,there is a family,a female family;a mother and her three daughters gently seated,converssing in their native language and were apparently having fun and showed themselves to be a family where there is love.They are just leaving a white lady with whom I think they had had a reunion or something and did i mention that they were black,well they were four black beautiful females that they were.They were all smile and stuff and discussed among themselves like they were friends and stuff.that's not something you get much aaround here but that was the case with them.

On the other hand,there was this little girl goin around making noise with the ticket validating machines.Once a ticket has been validated,you cannot validate it again until 5-10 minutes later,but if you do,the machine makes an alerting noise to let you know,a noise which could be pretty irritating especially if heard continously.The girl went aroun using the "used tickets" to make such a raucous.

Her mother beckoned,she paid no heed *at this point imagne a meteorite crashing onto the train and crushing this girl,evil init?*. Her mother beckoned againg but "cinderella" wouldn't be bothered.When she had had her fill of noise making "fun",she returnet to sit by her mother and wouldn't return the ticket.her mum who by now was steaming as in bursting at the seams with anger,just exploded.The funny thing is that it was a mild but dangerous explosion,I wonder how but i think she employed the services of one of them scribbles gadgets.As a properly bred african woman,she dished out a series of uninvented karate moves on this small "madam",so rapid that the little brat didn't even know what hit her but she felt pain all of a sudden in different regions of her body.

The previously reluctant individual silently gave the ticket to her mother,thought of it a little and commenced a 10-minute crying session with no one to console her.Every one in the train was confused,all wondering what the heck had happened,talk about karma.The girl stopped crying after a whilesince she found no sympathisers.

Immediately she tried to take the bag of her mum from her.The latter being quicker,took it out of her reach.obviously someone hadn't learnt from the previous episode perhaps she thought it wasn't real.

She then decided that she wanted to touch her mothers breast.a whole ne world she wanted to explore *without alladin of course* she wanted to discover why her mum had some lovely lady mounds and in the process make an exposition to about 16 sex hungered men in that train.In other words she wanted to mess up her mum IN PUBLIC *talk about some NAS and KELIS shit*

The next thing I saw has since had me wondering if there actuallyu are super heroes amongst us.The train moved out of the tunnel and a bright light kinda enveloped the girl and her mother.In that instant,wasting no time,I thought I saw moves that would render Angelina Jolie,Jackie Chan and Jet Li all put together,amateurs.

But all that couldn't have been real or could it?

WETIN BE THIS?

I must post today whether the devil likes it or not!!!! *don't mind me I was raised in MFM*

Today,walking on the streets of where I live,I saw a man on some rope thingy,hanging on to a building where he was doing some work and stuff.*this man no know where e dey oh?!! how e go dey tempt all this winches wey dey this area,sey e think sey e still dey yankee or wherever e come from?*

I walked about a 150 metres away where I saw Paulo walking towards me,Paulo was my guy that i hadn't seen in like two weeks,we were supposed to go woman hunting about two weekends ago but the mumu boy went AWOL on me.........I needed to tell him some words that would hurt....

"Idiot!!! how you go leave me hanging like that?",I began,"Na so we plan am?"

"Buuuttt....",He started

"No just but me oh! no just but me!!,If you know sey your brain no soak water you better had some pretty good explanation for me"

All off a sudden I heard a sound behing me kinda like if someone threw a coconut from a great height *that's the only description I could give the sound cos we used to have two coconut trees at our place and I had experimented stuffs*.I didn't think much of the sound cos .....What was there to think about a burst coconut.

I looked back at Paulo,to restart my quarrel over the betrayal of a brother in skirt exploration.He had this bewildered look on his face that made me think *damn!! this guy na fish just these few words wey I give am e don paralyse*,then I saw blood on his face,I kinda softened,

"Oh boy! na me do you like this.? I bad oh",I said

He just stood there still looking at something behind me.I turned with a smile which didn't make it the whole 180°.The stunt man had just had his last performance,The building hanging guy had fallen down from a height of about 460 feet.Apparently his safety lock had given way.I stood there for the next 5 minutes looking worse than Paulo.

The same guy who had been feeling like don jazzy on the ropes only a couple of minute before had just left the world without even saying a proper goodbye,who knows for how long he hadn't even had sex,yet he was gone without a warning.

I saw some building climber today and those were the thoughts that came to my mind.i swear that I just thought "what if this guy were to fall now?"

ON THE HAUTEUR

Writing……I think I love.



Ever since I read Azuka’s blog,I’ve been thinking that I love his style,like how he got his thing going on.He writes like these awesome stories and also write some awesome *actually I don’t know how much* computer programmes.

There are some obviously unreasonable events that occur in life that just makes you think.Ranging from the religious killers to men who rape toddlers even girls who have no restraint whatsoever to pose nude for a couple of bucks.

I believe that for every act there is a reaction *not always equal and opposite* . This reaction might not be immediate,it could take as long as the naira to be equal to the value of the dollar
ten years but it gets around.A father having kids at opposite ends of the world and those kids decide to meet and somehow fall in love with each other probably even get married and have lots of sex lots of kids.Incredible things that happen that have no explanation that’s really quite logic.

I love the Nigerian national football team,I love Nigeria.Last night in a football match against France,for reasons I’d like to keep private *although I think some people should know* I fell in love once again.

I wish I had a story to tell,like a heart rending one that keeps you on your toes and taps you in front of your screen,a bit like the “scribbly” type but definetely not that afrobabilicious kind.The Carlangy and Azukaish fit a little bit.But what would be a bomb would be the mixture of them all,would definetely blow you minds.

I’m stuck in a dilema,wondering what life is all about and why I don’t follow God as much as I should.I go to church and all,I don’t drink,smoke.............well you get it.I could say I’m not exactly the devil or your average bad boy at that.But I want to be *a little* because I think girls are readily attracted to “bad boys”.I’m not totally shallow as a lot of readers might be thinking ,although I do fancy having a menage à quatre someday,but I digress.Why can’t I be like some pastor?fire breathing and water drinking and stuff.


I haven’t all what I’m thinking or as I’ve thought because as the thoughts come they are quickly replaced by others and disintegrate.


I want to travel ABROAD, eat mac donalds burgers and fries,those long talked about kebabs,french cheese and bread “pain à pates”.Walk out on the streets and with everything I do I can be confident that YES! I CAN.Take the subway,get mugged by a group of gangstars and then seek revenge in the name of my assasinated dog.Perform grand heists and prison breaks with the most sophisticated guns and computers.And yeah,Use really big words like everyday and just be so at home saying them that girls just drool over the eloquent handsome young proffesional.lol

Better still is going into a medievial times and with all the courage in the world added with all the stupidity in south Molibawi,charge an army of soldiers and send about fifteen of those soldiers to an early grave *12 and 13 year olds were cosidered young at the time,above twenty without countless deaths to your name,people considered you gay and feeble*

"more lives have been saved by calm men that courageous one"

And with the same blow with which I had struck down the 16th,I kill the 17 with two swords inside of me and the rise up to behead the 18-23rd who consider it their place to take my head as a trophy for haven ended the days of their most dreaded enemy who wouldn’t bow for any man.At the 23rd the rest of the not so many soldiers now decide to let the body be,as even in death i strike fear in the hearts of men.A handsome,courageous and yet stupid warrior who has bedded 12 women in different villages he had conquered and had each one of them pregnant.At the age of 18,he leaves the world to a better place *yeah right* leaving behind 15 young lads stupid as he was,having it in their mind to revenge their father as soon as they were ready *13 ish*
Their mothers couldn’t stop them afterall she was just a woman.




Random rocks and yeah I do too..............


DISCLAIMER:In the event of any scandal produced as a result of my words being quoted elsewhere,we at GfuncICS will not submit to legal or spiritual actions in the pursuit of claims of redemption.

THIS MIGHT BE A POST

Okay I just though I ought to note this,don't know why but I was reading it and found it makes sense at all is blogable,I need your opinion if it is or not,okay? It is kinda based on a convo a series of messages btw me and an old friend from secondary school (high school),I met him on facebook after years *GOD bless facebook* ok,here it is;


G-FUNC: na me G-FUNC from Ij * my high school * how your south african life? lol BRIGHTEX! holla back Bolo gave me the 411

BRIGHTEX: g-func on d block wats d p? longest time.Can’t 4get how we used 2 tease ur mighty eyebrows. I’m sure if u have not done anyting about them u will be performin in a circus. just messin u wit u as usual.dont know where dis rumour of me livin in south africa came from. i travel 4 summer dats all. maybe it was wen i went there (4 summer) dat they tot i live there (though i wish i was) ow is func-senior(hope d spellin is rit).lost contact wit everybody even femi black, small n all. saw rogers postin jargons about niger delta, wonder wen he got interested in tins like dat. hook me up wit wat u av been up 2. cheers

G-FUNC: lol!..........like lmao!
Well not to say I'm surprised and stuff but you still got your head intact see as you remember everything reach my surname! yeah you got the spelling right.
My bro is in NDA now ! he's cool
Femi small is on facebook you could search him "femi ' small"
Femi black is nowhere to be found,he just disappeared
Don’t mind Roger he's still yarning cocks as before,what does he know about the niger delta.He ought to go live there to know what the whole thing is all about and stuff. Oh boy,It's real cool to hear from ya,
My eyelashes ;well I guess they stopped growing but remained as they were that was large enough,I guess, anyways I got pics on facebook,you could check em out I've not been so far from where I was when I left IJ I did a little bit of the israelite journey and I came back to where I started from. I ain't got much time to write now so I'll give you anymore gist I can think up by tomorrow or tonight hit me up with info on you man we could chat sometime


BRIGHTEX : nice one bruff, sorry abt ur stagnant eyebrows.
* this boy dey mad oh,e want make my brows turn forest,sorry my ass,instead of am to dey thank God for me *,i will check out dem pics. am not a fecebook fan * obviously * as such so i cant say i know how 2 use em well.nice 2 hear 4rm u again. i just finished 4rm babcock uni and studied accountin (irony...right) kinda waitin around 4 nysc. NDA... is dat not d defence academy. he didnt look d part at all i quess dey can toughen him up a bit, u know by drillin his brains out. are u still in satelite town? will like 2 know wat u mean by the israelite journey. so u are now G-FUNC... see once a G-FUNC, always a G-FUNC dont try 2 act all cool and shit. i believe dat is 4 dem chicks. dont forget 4 give me a load down of dem (chicks) and i hope 2 God u are still not a Virgin cos back i d day u had no prospects. if u are den just know i refuse 2 be ur friend from today. how is mama G-FUNC?...... cheers


G-FUNC : wats so ironical about that? *accounting* I guess your dad's an accountant and he doing big things or do you mean that as in you both doing the same stuff?
And yeah,I thought up the NDA stuff too but I kinda had some physical restraint that I thought weren't gonna make me so comfortable with the rigours of the academy.I guess all that pumping *some form of punishement thought up by hitler mentored teens older than us back in high school days* in IJ messed up my knee joints.
He doing real cool over there,matter fact,he kinda on top,if I may say so myself.I guess our teenage doesn't let people know what we're gonna become.like stature and all.The guy eh,when im come house after the first year,im thin die and hair no dey grow for the centre of im head,but now all that's changed,still skinny but you don't mess with the nigga,like he be shooting guns and stuff and sometimes I guess he says in his head "how you like me now?" G-FUNC,came from a long story.

Like when I wanted to give someone a fake name,I always used Gfunc,gfunc was a name that readily came to mind * and stuff lol* okay? and "gfunc" came from a movie with a black tap dancer back in the days like when racism was still cool and shit.His fellow blacks didn't dig why he was so popular and they called him a "man tanned" cos they said he wasn't black just a man with tanned skin and they kinda killed him at the end.I don't like how he ended but I just like the name.

I ain't in sattelite town no more,you ought to know.I left while I was still in IJ moved to afromedia,close to okoko. The virginity angle.....Man don't you know that shit pays like in some years I could do a press release where I come out like a 30-year old NIGERIAN MAN WHO WENT TO IJ AND IS STILL A VIRGIN,now ain't that cool? I could make some real cash outta that.The girls angle well a whole lot of em that I kinda fancied touching their bodies didn't want to gree my own so I was like file!!! I don't need that shit " and stuff " just kidding lol! I've known a girl or two,don't know if it was the same "knowing" that happened in the Bible but ...........well I hope you get the idea.


Mama G-FUNC dey oh!!!! like she still hot and kicking,my dad no dey stay out late because of her like from 7 o clock when she comes back from work all the boys and men go dey wait around our compound dey try see whether them go fit touch her body * perverted idiots * The idea is flattering and stuff but MY MUM! COME ON THOSE GUYS ! so like every night my dad would bring out his gun and let loose a couple of bullets in the air but that didn't deter em.It wasn't until my brother came home and he combined with my dad * I guess my bro did most of the work but that's the story they told me and I'm sticking to it * well they did some military shit and all that booty hunting crew shifted base to some young girl that has been eyeing me for a while now,but my dad still comes home early he ain't taking chances.I guess mama's having a ball,always laughing at his ass,now he scared to loose her

lol man! just kidding,I just wanted to attempt to try to be funny

Babcock man! you must have strengthened in some area over there,like you're now a "baba cock" if you know wat I mean,lol I think I have to stop writing now. holla back man,cheers

P.S I always been a cool dude just didn't know how to arrange it

.................the end



Okay that’s the post y’all ain’t got time to arrange it and stuff so I hope that doesn’t make it more horrible than it already is,

Ciao guys!!

BUZZ!!!

Hey y'all!

How's your day been? Obviously I'm on some of that good stuff cos two posts in a week ain't my normal style.lol! Actually I got a break from active life till monday so I have to do some thing productive other than facebook ok!

Today I saw a movie " he's not that into you ". It was a pretty cool movie.I was supposed to go see some friends but I was unable to do so cos I am kinda unmotivated usually and stuff.

Obviously I'm talkng rubbish now,so I'll stop.

Summer for James was always a sad time.Complately braced teeth,acne infested face,skiny silhouette and just too smart for the average 13 year old.His qualifications for "geek" class was perfect.He easily fit in without hassles but.....

James had always been a regular spectator of MTV and all the entertainment stations.The smart came naturally.He didn't know why he could resolve up four figured multiplications without external aid-pen,paper or calculator-he just could.

That summer while on the beach all covered up he dared not expose his bones to the cool populace,cos that would officially strike him out from ever making the cool list....ever.Two girls walked past,he didn't pay much attention to them as he was engrossed in the novel he was reading,intent on finding out why Johnny chambers had killed Sarah Pickles and if Senôr Obama was actually the serial killer as Insp. Kelvin Poirot thought....

" .....Johnny came out through the backdoor of Obama's crib,blasting songs from his brand new Ipod touch,he didn't look like he gave a shit that news was going on around town that he was responsible for the Death of Sarah.After Sarah had died he didn't seem to care about anything anymore,she was his world but not any more now.The loud music was just an excuse,a diversion from suicidal thoughts that he had had.For two months he had shared a secret affair with her and throughout the time no one else had mattered to Johnny.He had stopped searching for trouble around town.Everyone had noticed the change but had thought it was only a little time before Johnny commited his next act of deliquency.

As Johnny rode out on Berla,his trusted steed.The best horse in the county.No one ever dared him to a race,because it was always as if you had Queen latifah racing against Usain Bolt.Mr Poirot came out from where he had been hiding and stared as .......... "


James noticed shadows over his book,he looked up and standing in front of him was Stephanie,the girl he always felt an arousal for whenever she had on a maroon cardigan on,he sought the scientific explanation behind this but he was yet to find it.He had come to discover that it had something to do with his brain.The hospital where he had been born had an odd maroon coloured uniform.Both staff and building were dressed in maroon.

"Hi",she said,
James turned around but he was the only one there,
"Are you talking to me?", he said,
"Of course silly,who else would I be talkkng to?"

He never believed that she could ever talk to him,he always thought she was like other pretty girls *did I mention Stephanie was pretty?well she is!* who only talked with cool boys who were not necessarily smart enough to calculate their age from their birth year.

"If you like you could come join me and my friends under the canopy,it is kinda hot here",she continued "okay,we'll be waiting"

Dumbstruck,he couldn't utter a word.As she walked towards the tent,one of her friends walked out and said something like she was really excited but when he read her lips *yeah James reads lips*he swore that she said "why did you have to do that?" and then Stephanie replied,"He's just an experiment"

If he was dubstruck before,now he was petriffied,he knew he had to get to the bottiom of this drama that was unfolding before him.Stephanie sure picked the wrong guy to mess with....at that moment,she came out of the tent,she had taken off her shirt and had on a sleevess maroon vestHe saw his shorts move,a girl walking by turned and looked at him, and then he knew,this was going to be easier said than done,
"Why the heck does she like maroon so much?"he asked himself

She waved at him.

He waved back.

She smiled and her lips move "you won't even know what hit you Jimmy boy,you poor little boy"

"Yeah I know alright",he thought as he coverd his pelvic region with his novel.




********************************************************************************

I know this story is quite stupid,the arrangement,plot,setting are stuff are all wrong but y'all gotta bear with me cos I'm like that.
I just thought to write this for you all to read and stuff,cos incredible as it seems there are people who actually read my blog,lol
sorry for the errors

thanks y'all

props to Sir Scribbles,Penelope,Miss Natural,Yankee naija babe,Roc-naija,
I love y'all

I LIKE GIRLS

Since I can remember,I've always had a crush on some girl in some establishment,school,or...... Oh well y'all get the idea...

The first was OMOLARA,the dark spoilt little angel that I was "in love" with in kindergaten,I don't think I ever spoke to her,at least not on a very friendly level but in my dreams.....let's not go there.I always thought that I would marry her when I grew up and made a lot of money and stuff,but sadly I left my first primary school and never saw her again until like four years and three crushes later.

In my new school,I first set my eyes on the cleanest girl with short hair and a fair complexion,on the second day in the school.There and then I knew that we were going to get married and give birth to four of the most adorable half cast kids * inter tribal does count * and IJEOMA would be a wife like Toni braxton who sings and does creative stuff for me "privately" but I would never cheat on her.Never cause her to cry like all them ladies in nigerian movies.Two years later in the same school,I commited my first act of infidelity,I started having thoughts of another girl,that I would just put her legs on mine in class cos for some unknown reason,I discovered that having a girls leg on yours felt good.One day,after a series of events,IJEOMA held my hand.I felt better than when I drank chilled coke on a sunny day.Till this day I forget not that first touch.After that day I always had silly excuses to touch her hand.After primary school,we parted ways and I haven't seen her since.

My first day at secondary school,I set my eyes on DAMILOLA and I knew for sure that she was the one I was going to spend my life with but not for long cos I set eyes on DOYIN,the girl who resumed three weeks after we did.She asked me where JSS1C was with the most adorable voice I had ever heard before then.From then on,I was polygamous,It was certain I was going to have problems with my parents.Polygamy was not something that was popular for almost 10 generations and I sure wasn't the one who was going to resume it,epecially not as the turn of the 21 century was just around the corner,polygamy was getting unpopular,I needed to act fast.two ladies in one mind didn't do any good for motivation.Solution:drop em both,get along with boys,ther were no complications with boys,it was certain you weren't going to marry em and you could have as many as you wanted.Four years went by,basking in perversion,I lost my chance with the two most beautiful women I had ever set my eyes on.




My chance for my first female kiss came Two years after graduation from secondary school,it was sudden and pleasurable,so good that I've been stuck ever since.I saw the right path as the kiss overwhelmed me,I swear scales fell of my eyes.As soon as I left her that day, I went to a church where I prayed for forgiveness and deliverance,how could I hve been crazy,cos I believe only a crazy man would eat for the thrash can when he could work and earn "meat pie and coke" FOR WHAT NOW!!!! I and AISHA shared many more of such encounters,many more.She liberated me,thus I cannot forget her as long as I live............I love you even though you don't think so...