mercredi 29 juillet 2009


To think that beauty comes dressed in green and black would be so unacceptable but as a matter of fact "he" actually does wear "green and black" outfits.Yes "he" ,something so bold,so confident,so watever else can it be called? A "she" now or can't it?

I walked past her in her unattractive outfit and one other thing;She had a scarf on,a not very attractive scarf.I was surrounded by beautiful young girls everyday who wore those typical girly coulour in shades that make you wanna say curse word to you mama *not that I would think to try,na dat day I go pack my load comot her house na* Well these girls were out of secondary school and were just beginning to have freedom from school uniforms on a daily so I guess,they had collected money from all their uncles,brothers,fathers*in some cases more than one,it is possible init?* One way ticket to yaba or watever place it is they got to.They pratically went about emptying the shops of those traders.Some even were wicked enough to buy white outfits*white outfits,especially on babes,does to me what 18 years olds do to Berlusconi*

In such a position I had no regard for green and black outfits on a girl whose complexion was also kinda looking greenish blackish*hehe I didn't say that*

That day I had some papers to look through,and the man for whom i was kinda slaving asked her and a couple of others to come join me.To make things kinda clear,I was helping out in a preparatory centre where post graduate secondary students attend to get tutorials for JAMB.The fact that I helped out in stuff made me attend free because I was also writing JAMB too.

She came in with the man,let's call him Rkelly,*why? you ask,well,he kinda reminds me of rkelly if you get my drift*.He cracked some silly joke and she smiled.he said something else and she began to laugh,a reserved kinda laugh that just made me think of royalty,dunno why! It was at that point that I loooked at her face.The most remarkable feature was her jaw,it's one of those jaws that just makes you think of kissing hehe

It's shape is so touch-me-while-you're-kissing-her ish.At that point I stood up to act the gentleman funny man,not that I'm much of that but I said something super cheezy about a beutiful girl coming to help me out had to be treated with care and I had to discomfort myself for her because it must be discomforting for her to hang around not so cute people like me,and I offered her my seat.We started work and i didn't really talk to her much except to show off once or twice the one or two acts of smartness i had picke up during my years of existence on earth.

We finished work and I moved into my "toy boy" gear.We talked about stuff and somehow we got to talking about her being married with kids*I really don't remember how*.I disagreed that she didn't have a husband or kids either and I set out to prove some stupidly scientific related theory concerning certain constants that disallowed her to be susceptible to a condition of marriage and also there were also no resultant reactions of her body to certain processes it must have undergone or whatever.The thing is that,I said all these stuff feeling that I was making a large fool of myself but somehow she found it funny,and couldn't stop laughing.Could it have been the accents I was imitating or the fact that I relayed my unaccounted "facts" with a speed superior to 2 times my normal talking speed hehe

We got really acquainted and soon it was time for my "aubergine" *there are them greenish black species hehe* to leave.I offered to hold her coat while she put it on.Okay! she didn't have a coat ,but if she had one I would have done that for her.That's why sometimes I curse being in Nigeria.Anyways I saw her off to the busstop or taxi stop or war-bus stop because it was a kinda car transport which folllowed the principles of bus transportation.It doesn't really matter if y'all don't get what I mean because I barely do hehe.

We had to cross the road,I explained to her that being that there were no traffic lights,I had to do the gentlemanly thing and hold her hand while we crossed the road,being an "aje kpako" *not that I can say she wasn't one herself hehe*.I held her hand and she didn't object not even when after we had crossed the road I continued to hold her hand,not even when the first car-bus got filled up and left,not even when her mother passed by us*just kidding her mother didn't pass by*.But seriously I held her hand longer than was unnecessary*just to show how much*

I got her phone number and I got to touch her jaw.I told her I loved it that it made me think of something.I touched it againg and she asked what it made me think of.I didn't reply just looked into her eyes,those lovely maroon coloured eyes that reminded me of "sunday morning" *long thing joke*.
The amount of electricity that surrouded us at that moment was immense so immense that I cursed being in Nigeria again.

Oyinbo no even need half of all this "chemistry and physics combined" to have start touching bodies and there I was,denied of my first kiss once again all because I was at some busy,and traditionally nigerian bus stop in OKOKOMAIKO.

I once said I wished to go to the USA or just travel abroad so I can experience a lot of things which range from eating Macdonalds "food" *junk food hehe* to getting involved in violence and stuff like hero seeking revenge kinda violence.

I let go of her jaw physically but in my mind,hmmmmmm.... I dare not tell y'all what was going on in there.I watched her get into the car-bus forced some money into her handbag to pay for her fare,as a gentle man now!.She tried to return it but I was moved aside.sandwiched between two people she couldn't easily alight the vehicule.

I watched the car-bus move away,along with her,my first kiss,and of course my transport money.Damn! how I go take reach house now? E don red! I folded the ends of my trousers and started the long walk home......It really was long and to think I gained nothing for it but would the story end that way?who know!

DISCLAIMER:In the event where you have been mislead or perhaps do not understand the head or tail of these regular rambling of words please do not bother to think that you saw this on the "gfunc" blog.But if you made a little bit of sense out of it,well there's only one thing to say.............I LOOOOOOOOOOVE YOOOOOOOOOU!!!!!!!

lundi 27 juillet 2009


Side by side holding hands on an empty........well almost empty school sports arena
It was my third personal love story.Young and slim.Intelligent and beutiful enough*explosive combo init* I had made her acquantaince with some cheezy line about Man U hehe.till this day I love that club.

The day we met I had somehow failed to get her phone number.I certainly didn't know what came over me that day but i did crazy things in a bid to get her attention.i played a certain football linked game,took care of kids,spent more than i was meant to.......... and at the end failed to get her number.

Luckily I was with friends who were with her friends and One of em got a number of one of her friends and bingo!hehe I gave my number to that friend and asked her to give it to my dame and ask her to call me.All this was to see if she was interested or something because I've been a sucker who asked girls,who didn't give a shit about me,for their numbers and kinda got screwed at the end.

The day she called I was with my boys in the room,trying to cook up some gfunc special noodles bien peppered hehe,I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket.Checked to see her number,I silently left my boys to a secluded area and was like

Pretending to react to hearing a girls voice
-"oookaayy who's this?"
-It's third!"
Acting surprised
"hey third how are ya? I guess friend gave you my number,coool!!"
"yes,she did and I'm fine"
trying to act busy and stuff
"You know wat,Can I call you tonight cos I kinda am busy right now?"
I can't let my beans burn because of woman na wetin i go come chop?

I called her that night and got to know her better.I got details that would serve my purpose and at the end of the conversation I made a pleasant discovery that she would be present in my area everyday or so cos she was a "church" girl hehe.We fixed a date for the next day.

Next day came and she wasn't hungry so that cancelled MR biggs or any substitute.She decided we go strrolling in the woods.WOOOODS KE!!!!!!!! which day me and you turn oyinbo??? You no know how many snake and cockroach dey that bush wey you dey call wood kpsheeeeeeeeeeewwww!!!!. She told me if I wasn't interested that she would be on her way and then I was like "Baby!*insert igbo accent* you shouldn't take me seriously whether na wood or na fire wood or na bush or forest you want I will go with you.

We went to a school's make-do Stadium wher we sat down and contrary to my earlier thoughts I kinda enjoyed the stadium thingy and I got to hold her hands for the first time and she brough biscuits and "Caprisonne(TM)".Compared to the amount of money I spend playing games to win her a prize,this was nothing but at least a "good" start in a positive direction.

Time went past,we had regular meetings and i sometimes touched her hands and sometimes I didn't.One day we met in the "woods" and she began talking;

-"What do you think of me or what am I to you?"
-"well you're third now?"
-"well,I know that you're in love with me so you had better admit it"
*cheiiiiiiiiiiii!!!! na me this small girl dey talk to like this? who tell her say me dey love? hehe*
-"I won't deny it since you said it already"
-"Well,I want to tell you I have a boyfriend"
In my head there was this gen gen sound
-"you're joking!"
-"seriously,He's in lagos and he travelled for a while that's why I've been having time to hang out with you,but he's coming back today,so I have to tell you incase you don't see me any longer"

At this point I stood up and said,"I wish you the best then,bye"
I began to walk away,then she held my hand*DAMN! that fely good!*
then she said,
-"the thing is I've started to like you and I don't know wat to think"

My thoughts that had moved from my brain to somewhere else now came back to my head to cause it to swell hehe *you go fear fine boy na*

I held her hand,moved my touch from her fingers to her shoulders then by projective motion,my hand moved to her jaw and this was it!!!! I was going to moved my head hehe

I moved slowly and she closed her eyes and I thought *this is it "YES I CAN KISS A GIRL!*My lips just touched hers when she opened her eyes and moved her head.

-"What are you doing?????????"

Embarrassed,I let go and just stared at her speechless.Once again and this time in reality I had been denied the pleasure of knowing why there's so much hype about kissing.


vendredi 10 juillet 2009

MY FIRST ..........

I forgive,I forgive so much that sometimes I think I am a child,well not really a child but a a semi-adult who is a child at heart and knows what superposition means in two subjects.I do not bear grudges for as long as i'd like to no matter how hard I try but sometimes i just dislike a person for no absolute reason or maybe i saw him/her do something and I decided to give it my own interpretation and from then on dislike the person.

I'm in one of those moods,you know the kind of moods where you experience a spark that occurs as a result of pluto crossing neptune and along the way brushing the edges of it's ring* is it pluto that has a ring?....I wonder* along the side of the planet as a result emmiting a sound wave that moves all the way to the earth and gets to strike the head of someone,which at that particular moment was vibrating at the exact same frequency as the sound wave.Thus this sets the head into resonance and makes men do the impossible like jump from airplanes,invent skate boards,roller skates and perform incredible stunts with them,and even do suicide bombing experiments to see how many people a suicide bomber sends to heaven/hell on an average.

She asked me if I'd be coming over to her place that night,I said yes.I had to cos i had lessons,piano lessons over there with her guy friend who had introduced us.who had told me that she said she'd like to get to know me.I had never felt so confused in all my life.

The first time I saw her I said to myself once again that i was going to marry this girl,and at the time there was also another girl at school who I also told myself that i was going to marry too,talk about lust.I had always thought about her and what it would be like to hold her hand or to feel her leg rub against mine.I once had the opportunity to be in the same bus with her and though I could barely afford it i paid her fare that day.All she said was thank you and that was all,I alighted the bus,she didn't even spare me a glance.I told self "you have officially been chopped and screwed"

Time went on,I lost my fierce desire to marry her.She had changed with time.Her breasts became large and she walked in a unnatural way *a walk that was obviously practiced and forced because it didn't go with her* I lost my small*almost negligible* breasted innocent girl and in her place there stood a woman with large mammary glands with a weird walk.The fact that rumours went round town that her sister were flirting with boys in the area didn't help matters.The stigma kinda smeared on her too.I'm not one to judge people but when I don't have first hand information to be sure I'm always cautious.So I just didn't like her as much as before.

I took up piano lessons with a mutual friend after my secondary school final while waiting for university admission.Funnily he suggested that we have the lessons in their house because he sang with the sisters and so that way he could kill two birds with a stone.I readily agreed becuse I'm one who enjoys learning in a place where there are girls,it make it interesting.

Two lessons after I began,My "lecturer" was escorting me to the gate of my street when he told me that there's someone who would like to get to know me better.I asked "who?"
He asked me to guess,but I couldn't so he told me it was her and there I froze.To think that a girl I had always secretly admired all these years could like me was totally incredible.I thought he was pulling my legs because this was a girl who didn't stick around anytime I was in their house.She would just find some excuse to leave the sitting room.

Time went on and I didn't hear anything from her or from "teacher chike".One day he asked me if I had spoken to her.i said "No" he asked "why" I said "because i thought you were joking".He told me that she wanted to talk to me.I said there was no problem "why not".I went over to meet her and said "hi" she said "hi" and then there was nothing else to say.we just stayed there with me feeling weird and all.Teacher then came to say he was going and I used this as a means of escape.I said I had to go too.

The next day she called I guess she had gotten my number from my "lecturer" she asked if I was coming over to her place? I said I would.i went over and as soon as I saw her held her hand.Reason: I don't know.The sensation was mind blowing.Her skin was soft,so soft it felt like a baby's.I led her to a broked down vehicule that was in their compound and weirdness 101 recommenced.We stayed this way for about 25 mins only this time I held her hand.At this time let's just say a part of my body decided it was charged enough to disobey gravity.Initially we stood side by side leaned againgst the car.Suddenly she turned and rested on me in hugging position.My first reaction was to try to lean back but I couldn't i was already on againgt the car.She didn't seem to mind that something was "pricking" her along the pelvic region.She looked into my eyes for the first time and there i saw what I can describe as sheer desire.

No girl had ever looked at me that way.It's a look kinda hard to describe but I didn't react and so she moved her neck slightly and I saw her lips kinda part.I had seen this in some movies and I was sure this was supposed to be the sign for "hey dude kiss me already" I was kinda scred but I moved forward and she move forward as well and then I knew that this was it that i would finally have my first kiss at the age of 16.

All of a sudden I felt someone tap me.i turned to find myself looking into the face of my roommate at school.He just hissed and said,"wetin you dey dream sef,you had better get ready in like 15 mins or you're so going to be late for Osung's class"

jeudi 9 juillet 2009

I NEED A GIRL TO .......

Walking down the road today got me thinking how much I don't need this....stress iin my life.That don't mean I don't want it like damn but I choose not to.Not to crave that special someone,the one without whom I feel incomplete.

If I were incomplete without someone then that would mean that i would be kinda suicidal but I don't want that stuff,my religion forbids it,I'm supposed to be a christain by the way.

How the heck does something make you want it so much that you would do a whole lot of crazy stuff just to have it.Sex is like a drug.From what I know,you do it and you end it feeling kinda weak and wondering what you had just done *though I think this is when it's done under wrong conditions with a conscience still in place*

At a later date you find you wanting it all over again,the sight of some girl walking down the road send you thinking things that would make Jesus want to give you slap or better still a taste of what it feels like being nailed to a cross.

Talking about Jesus.I love that man.I love him for loving me.I love him for kinda feeling like me or was it he who gave me this feeling,hmmm.....I wonder.Leving his comfort zone to come down to earth and suffer and stuff.He lived a most simple life.Did some serious fasting and stuff.And at the end of the day was nailed to a cross.That kind love no be here oh.

The stuff I write are just words that come to me as I put hand to keyboard,I just hope they make sense to me and maybe someone.

I just though of leaving a couple of words on Michael Jackson;He was GOOOOD as in the greatest musician ever.If you know another please let me know cos I think it was he,but again what do I know?

I watched his funeral/memorial stuff and was really touched like I saw how creative and engrossed he was in his art.How his fans loved him and all.His performances,the stories of his experiences with real people.Even up to the rehearsal for his hither to upcoming concert;the feebless ,A man of 50 making great attempt to dance along side youg men in their 20's and 30's.

I watched his old videos and saw the way he moved when he danced,the way he got into his music that showed how much he really was in tune with the music,like the music gave him energy or something,like it gave him life.from "I want you back" through "thriller","bad","ghosts";I thought the dance in that video was really off the hook,up to "one more chance";with all his health problems and all,I heard his pain in that song,don't nobody ask me how but I love that song a lot.It made me fall in love with "Michael Jackson" again and reminded me why when I was a kid I would readily respond to "Who is your favorite musician?" well I don't think I need to answer that!

Good bye Michael! R.I.P

God bless you

mercredi 8 juillet 2009


I'm here sitting as a ressult of the intuition I had to blog about some stuff.I thought of writing something about Leggy,WHY?........I have no idea.maybe cos she or he,as the case maybe,was the only commenter on my last post.

I have been forsaken by my once mislead follower *people who waste thier time reading my ramblings lol* I now stand at the cross road,CONFUSED,DEPRESSED and AGONISED.I might be contemplating suicide.By suicide I hope y'all is not thinking i mean it literally.But I mean G-func,terminate it's *can't really say if it's a she or he* existence.

I was wondering yesterday,why I suck with girls or relationships as a whole.I usually get to that point with these people where I don't just feel them anymore,at least not like I used to at the beginning.I wondered if i was ever going to get married and stuff.I definetely want to have kids,but does that mean I have to get married to do that? ......I'm thinking sick thoughts right here.

I once was in a bus with a little girl and I saw this girl messing up with her mother.She was about five years or so and I guess she's an only child and she was compelling her mum to buy her some wrist watch.the manner in which she did it,made me feel like she felt she had some right to have another wrist watch*she had one on alrready*she kinda spoke in a haughty tone that had me imagining things and here's what came out..............

In the subway where I am,there is a family,a female family;a mother and her three daughters gently seated,converssing in their native language and were apparently having fun and showed themselves to be a family where there is love.They are just leaving a white lady with whom I think they had had a reunion or something and did i mention that they were black,well they were four black beautiful females that they were.They were all smile and stuff and discussed among themselves like they were friends and stuff.that's not something you get much aaround here but that was the case with them.

On the other hand,there was this little girl goin around making noise with the ticket validating machines.Once a ticket has been validated,you cannot validate it again until 5-10 minutes later,but if you do,the machine makes an alerting noise to let you know,a noise which could be pretty irritating especially if heard continously.The girl went aroun using the "used tickets" to make such a raucous.

Her mother beckoned,she paid no heed *at this point imagne a meteorite crashing onto the train and crushing this girl,evil init?*. Her mother beckoned againg but "cinderella" wouldn't be bothered.When she had had her fill of noise making "fun",she returnet to sit by her mother and wouldn't return the ticket.her mum who by now was steaming as in bursting at the seams with anger,just exploded.The funny thing is that it was a mild but dangerous explosion,I wonder how but i think she employed the services of one of them scribbles gadgets.As a properly bred african woman,she dished out a series of uninvented karate moves on this small "madam",so rapid that the little brat didn't even know what hit her but she felt pain all of a sudden in different regions of her body.

The previously reluctant individual silently gave the ticket to her mother,thought of it a little and commenced a 10-minute crying session with no one to console her.Every one in the train was confused,all wondering what the heck had happened,talk about karma.The girl stopped crying after a whilesince she found no sympathisers.

Immediately she tried to take the bag of her mum from her.The latter being quicker,took it out of her reach.obviously someone hadn't learnt from the previous episode perhaps she thought it wasn't real.

She then decided that she wanted to touch her mothers breast.a whole ne world she wanted to explore *without alladin of course* she wanted to discover why her mum had some lovely lady mounds and in the process make an exposition to about 16 sex hungered men in that train.In other words she wanted to mess up her mum IN PUBLIC *talk about some NAS and KELIS shit*

The next thing I saw has since had me wondering if there actuallyu are super heroes amongst us.The train moved out of the tunnel and a bright light kinda enveloped the girl and her mother.In that instant,wasting no time,I thought I saw moves that would render Angelina Jolie,Jackie Chan and Jet Li all put together,amateurs.

But all that couldn't have been real or could it?

mercredi 1 juillet 2009


I must post today whether the devil likes it or not!!!! *don't mind me I was raised in MFM*

Today,walking on the streets of where I live,I saw a man on some rope thingy,hanging on to a building where he was doing some work and stuff.*this man no know where e dey oh?!! how e go dey tempt all this winches wey dey this area,sey e think sey e still dey yankee or wherever e come from?*

I walked about a 150 metres away where I saw Paulo walking towards me,Paulo was my guy that i hadn't seen in like two weeks,we were supposed to go woman hunting about two weekends ago but the mumu boy went AWOL on me.........I needed to tell him some words that would hurt....

"Idiot!!! how you go leave me hanging like that?",I began,"Na so we plan am?"

"Buuuttt....",He started

"No just but me oh! no just but me!!,If you know sey your brain no soak water you better had some pretty good explanation for me"

All off a sudden I heard a sound behing me kinda like if someone threw a coconut from a great height *that's the only description I could give the sound cos we used to have two coconut trees at our place and I had experimented stuffs*.I didn't think much of the sound cos .....What was there to think about a burst coconut.

I looked back at Paulo,to restart my quarrel over the betrayal of a brother in skirt exploration.He had this bewildered look on his face that made me think *damn!! this guy na fish just these few words wey I give am e don paralyse*,then I saw blood on his face,I kinda softened,

"Oh boy! na me do you like this.? I bad oh",I said

He just stood there still looking at something behind me.I turned with a smile which didn't make it the whole 180°.The stunt man had just had his last performance,The building hanging guy had fallen down from a height of about 460 feet.Apparently his safety lock had given way.I stood there for the next 5 minutes looking worse than Paulo.

The same guy who had been feeling like don jazzy on the ropes only a couple of minute before had just left the world without even saying a proper goodbye,who knows for how long he hadn't even had sex,yet he was gone without a warning.

I saw some building climber today and those were the thoughts that came to my mind.i swear that I just thought "what if this guy were to fall now?"