I'M GETTING MARRIED

Growing up,I used to watch tv programmes like cartoons in the day time from 4pm cos that was the time those stupid NTAs began broadcast and talking bout NTA,any Lagos pips remember NTA channel 7?

Let's say cartoons were on the different station till 6:30 sometimes 7pm but after that we never really knew cos it was then time for news and ish and God bless our yanshes if we didn't have the station changed to NTA 10,they had basically the same news with NTA 5 but 10 had a clearer reception.

I know y'all is getting a bit confused for some pips who didn't have the priviledge of growing up in lagos around the same era I did.They were five Tv stations when I was younger like OGTV-which was being broadcasted from ogun state,there were the NTAs 5,7 and 10 and then there was the Lagos TV(LTV).

I would have to endure watching the news sometime so that I wouldn't miss the begining of the soap opera that would follow.The glory days of "the rich also cry", "Maria Los angeles" "wild rose" "secrets of the sands"-my fav and all the others.before these soaps would begin there would be an assault of commercials the guiness' adverts,Coca cola's and the point of this post the CIGARETTE adverts.

I adored those adverts they were always so futuristically neat and gave you the impression of a successful man of class.The houses ,the cribs and the way they placed the cigarettes on the tables or took a wiff of the smoke.It all made me feel so giddy and I began to dream.Till this day my dream model of a house came from one of the adverts in a magazine,I think it was Malboro or was it rothman's....I forget.

It had this magnificently white crib with a whitish marble table that had some kinda patterns,cool patters on it.And the dude placed his pack of cigarettes on the table togathet with his keys tto a BIG BMW which was parked outside.He was dressed so nicely and he was walking into the arms of his wife*now that I know better girlfriend or maybe even uncommited "friend"* who was equally*more than actually* divinely dressed.

There was a Piano in the background and the house had a view of nature like crazily pretty nature not the kind of nature you see in farms or ish the kind you get from moutains and unadulterated landscapes.

At about the same time,I discovered THE LADY.

I would come home every sunday to meet some stupid TV programme on NTA 5 where there played "stupid" love songs that would make me feel sick.I so hated loving and mushiness when I was little.It's a surprise that today......I digresss.

Anyways,one day I came home and there she was on the TV screen,the woman I had every intention to marry,the woman I would live with in my all white crib and drive my car with her by my side *that was the general idea in my little days I naturally felt it was the responsibility of a man to drive and the woman by his side holding his hand and ish but today,I know women who drive like "witches"*And we were going to live happily in the house just holding hands every night.She was beautiful,had a nice face and she sang and to me that was all that mattered.I didn't go round obsessing about women with extra large this or that.

She had on a wedding gown and she was singing some ish that I didn't quite understand but she didn't look happy and my 7 year old self or was I six? well I just wanted to comfort her,hold her in my arms and make her pain go away.I wanted to promise her that I was never going to cheat on her or leave her side and ish.I wanted to e the best man ever for her,reall,all 7 year old of me.

The next time I saw her,she didn't have on the wedding gown but this time I understood what she was saying "How could an angel break my heart?" I felt guilty immediatel cos there had been this pretty girl in school who sat two seats away from me whose hand I so wanted to hold.I cried when I heard her sing,it was like she was talking to me and she was crying because of me.


From Toni with love
I thought to my self "what have I done? exactly what I promised I wouldn't do"

All the while I never noticed the guys in the videos and how much she would kiss them and be engaged in a funny kinda embrace clothless.I asked my mum why she had no clothes on,she said that it was all "film trick" that reassured me especially when she offered to show me how a kiss was done in "film trick" I rudely declined "No don't worry" I think were my exact words but in a tone that had mixed emotions or surprise,disgust and fear.

Once again I was in love with Toni,more with her voice that didn't sound like all the girly girls I knew.she seemed to me like a woman I would play football with and stuff,despite the promiscuously short clothing she wore in her vids.I didn't mind,I didn't mind anything when it came to Toni,I was in love.

Until one day I saw her with a man in the video "How many ways",ever since I had known her,she sang of heartbreak and I was there to comfort her and now she was leaving me to sing for some disgustingly *now I think awesomely* muscled dude with "fried" hair.I felt so annoyed and betrayed.she never sang that kind of song to me or bothered to come look for me to hold me and kiss me on my lips like she did to the dude.



I broke up with toni that day and only forgave her some 8 years afterwards when she did this crazily nice video of "he wasn't man enough for me" I guess she had left the "fried" haired "kpako" dude.

I don't know how to end this but I know I was a maga*like scribbles says*

That's all folks.It's your boy gfunc

I KNOW... I KNOW don't bother telling me!

Just a couple of words that will turn out to be the greatest rant ever.

I was just thinking about the similarity of Food and sex like they are kinda similar.For instance,You can have more than a maximum quantity of them no matter how hard you try.Prior to starting either of these activities you might say to yourself

"Today na today na me and you I go finish you die"

But there always comes that optimum point like where you no longer derive any utility from them.It follows a bloody law of Declining Utility.

I dunno how to develop this but I think they're kinda similar and when I have more ideas I'll let you know and the fact that most people have more than they should of both "things" is another similarity and they are kinda irresitible "kinda"

I recall this one time ,it was my last year in secondary school and I was becoming weird like the boy child loving skin changed female voiced MJ kinda weird,Yes!

At that time I was starting to like books not novels,comics or address books,NO! but real textbook that were written on highly advanced subjecs such as elementary maths,physics,CHEMISTRY,and a whole lot of secondary school subjects texts.I was begining to have words like Diodes,genes,bi polar junction,Surface tension crossing my mind.

I'd see a mobile phone and instead of simply concluding that it was powered by witchcraft,I'd begin to think that there were electromagnetic waves being emmited by the said phone due to the stimulation of a given substance that are propagated to a nearby transmitter mast yeah all of them big mast-like thingies which in turn transmits it to another mast and anoother till it gets to the mast nearest to the person you're calling (or being called by in another scenario) and then the persons phone rings and ish.Yeah I was that weird!

Funny thing is that at the same time I was liking book,I had begun to pick up courage to talk with some of the numerous girl I had been eyeing for the past 5 years without an ounce of courage to even ask to borrow they biros.It was a kinda complicated thingy.

One day it hit me that I had a crush for a certain girl whose hair smelt divine like this happened at the time I was supposed to be taking my final exams.It came to a maximun when one day I saw her with an ex-female classmate going to get some snacks and Courage from where-I-have -no-idea came upon me and I walked over said hi and took their hands and though I held two hands my brain and certain other nerves were more focused on my right hand cos that was where this Petite divinely fragranced girl was.Oh sweet memories! To think how I felt so much more than Obasanjo holding that hand.

I don't know about y'all but ,do y'all have any idea what it how awesome a woman's touch is?

Like sometimes the skin of a woman brushes your's and you just shiver,you have all these sound and electromagnetic waves running through every nerve in your body.I mean everybody should relate to this *probably even girls* like I mean I would so much prefer a lesbian to a gay guy *pun intended*

That's all y'all I guess this rant is come to an end

And please do leave you insults at the end in the comment box

My GRANDMUM is WICKED

That sound kinda harsh but let me expalin myself.

She went on her journey,when I had just started to get to know her.Funny thing is that before this said "knowing",when I thought of her it was usually in relation to her cooking.

I'm being kinda vague,so I'll go ahead to explain me bit by bit:

"My grandma is the best cook in the world

She would concoct stews made from fresh freshly-ground tomatoes and not too much artificial ish; Tinned tomatoes,spices.A bit of salt,pepper and she got an excellent aroma emitting from whatever pot.And did I mention that She was a culinary genius? well she was.

I had to work a little bit with an uncle who she lives with,and so she was cooking my meals and became my supermum.supermum =grandma+part-time mum
She would scream at me when I came home to get my ish in order.She was like:

"Go to the bathroom and wash your ass,I won't have you messing up my crib with your yeye body wey you don use pack all the whole dust for you uncle shop"

The weekends and environmental sanitation days were the worst,she had me moving like a robot*robots hardly rest right?* I was either cleaning this or washing that or dusting those or buying them or ..... Y'all get the idea

Normally at the end of all these activities I would get my reward a bowl of steaming heaven-inviting food yeah heaven-inviting,those were the kinda meals that you ate and you wouldn't mind if that was your last souvenir before you died.

Did I mention that she's the cleanest individual I know? well this woman knows how to scrub ish till they were shining like bling bling.I never got to know the secret but she would wash white clothes with her hands and the became so brilliant.Bowls,buckets,clothes,pots,spoons .... anything that was hers had to be spotless. she used them kerosine stoves but you'd hardly ever see her pot get blackened.She would reduce the stove temp until you only saw blue flame and then she would leave it for a while before she used the stove.

She was never in a hurry to cook,she said "Na so the food go take sweet well well".y'all know she was the best cook right?.

She thought me the couple of words I know in her language "merikumeni kete" I don't know if that's how it's written but hey.It means "I will eat a lot today".With a super chef in the house,who wouldn't?

She was so devoted to God and stuff;going to night vigils evn when her health was not all cha cha,fasting and paying her tithes and ish.I really would love to imitate her devotion.

I'm quite sure that's she's with Jesus right now in that heaven that she travelled to and they're skating or doing something like skydiving from a space-craft.You guys didn't know how it gets over there?

I say my grandma left me,YES she abandonned me while I left her and went to school for less than three months.She didn't look sick to me,No not really.FINE she was kinda old but not as old as methuselah I don't think she was more than 60.They said she was sick and then ish.

But I know better,I know she abandonned me to go and enjoy herself in heaven,if that's not the case,why didn't she wait for me to come back from school?
She had to leave when I wasn't there so I wouldn't be able to persuade her to stay.

The wicked woman,YES My grandma is wicked! but I love her more that ever now.

May her soul bougie and do crazy stunts in heaven.I know she didn't have like the most "beyoncé" voice but I'm sure she's keeping it real Kanye-Tpain style for Jesus

"Dedicated to my grandma Comfort who passed away december 2008.GOD bless You
I'm sorry if I put the food and cleanliness before the fact that she was a Child of GOD but it's gfunc now and again she always knew about everything and I mean everything even if she wasn't quite sure wat it was and she mixed up things that she didn't really understand because her english was not so Queen of englandish,but she would tell you thing that made you open you mouth and not be able to close it.

GFUNC in TOKYO

Nowadays I've come to start to like to go abroad.

I don't know if I've mentioned this before but I'd really like to go to some foreign coutry where you have seasons and ish like there are fancy names for the seasons.We say rainy season and dry season and sometime harmattan and that's about it.But in western countries they say ish like winter,summer,autumn,spring,fall,and a couple of other that don't come to mind right now.

I was walking through the streets the other day,in fact I was in a market where people like me go to but electronics and stuff,then it started to rain.I had to be some place and since I didn't have money to pay for "okada" *public transport in form of motor bikes*,I had to walk through the rain.

It got to a point where I began to feel kinda cold and I was shivering and then i noticed that my breath was forming fumes,like white fumes.You know how it gets in those foreign films where you see the people talking and they're producing fumes like as if they were smoking when they actually aren't,well that happened to me and I had a God sent "oyinbo" experience hehe.

I want you all to be aware that I'm a liar,that's wat Goodnaijagirl told me.And yes it is true.I write on my blog wat I feel like I place myself *or the character* where I want feel like and I write based on that.Like she asked me I might not even be a guy but that's just me,that's just Gfunc.

I just had to make this clear so that people don't get surprises and take me for someone I'm not.I may have said my name and stuff but that kinda makes me all the more anonymous because then you don't know me at all,cos I'm limited to not write all that I want and ish.But sometime I do.....It's all kinda complicated.I mostly write watever comes to mind and that's it.

I wish y'all a lovely day not minding if you don't read this post today,matter of fact I want to wish y'all a lovely life.CHEERS!

i still gat love for ms dufa*though she hasn't commented on my last post*,David *the russian*,Sir scribbles*small love* and all y'all

BY DUFA....I'M LOVED

Going through my email I see all these nice comments on my blog and they're all from ms dufa,like I think she's commented on every single one of my posts,well if not all of them but I know she's read all of them.It makes me wonder seeing these comments;

Am I actually a good writer?

Can I actually get people hooked to my stuff?

But then she's like the only one constantly doing that,First there was vera,then Afrobabe even chari stopped one time to leave a comment saying he liked my blog hehe there's been Sir scribbles,Roc naija,Myne whiteman and a couple of others that I don't have in my head and yeah there are all the followers.I can't forget y'all,got mad love for y'all.

But the point remains that she's become my no.1 favorite *why do you think I'm writing a post about her?*

To think that someone who has like thios crazily organised imagination;she tells stories with details,those kinda details that help you picture a more graphic scene nto like the scanty stories I tell.I really wonder how she does it to comment each time.I find commenting on blogs tiring and I don't feel obligated to do it and stuff,first because no one's coming to comment on mine,like the people who I comment on their blogs are like those established bloggers that have like 100 comments per post on the first day,so where would they find the time and energy and ish to come comment on mine.

No offence or anything,but it's just the thoughts going through my head,I guess there are some people like me who just read and don't comment so I know how it gets.
For everyone that has ever commented on my blog and made me feel special.I'm forever *well not literally* in debt to you.Lady koko the rest I gat mad love for y'all.

If you see me walking down the strett in my normal geeky way just walk on by,don't even bothere to look cos that's what you'll do but if for once you decide to do otherwise just for once..DON'T

I'm not cool enough to be yor friend,even if you're a girl that's liking me... DON'T cos you'd be stepping away from the norms wouldn't you? like teh odd one from the stereotype


I'm rambling mega rubbish now so I gotta leave.I could say that this was post I guess.

Much love to you babe.have a nice time running two cool blogs.cheers

ME MUST POST!!!!!! 3

...it was back to square one but this time he was wiser and older.He started work in a computer sales outlet where he was able to make ends meet being that the computer industry was just gaining ground in Bali.People quickly took a liking to him cos to them he knew so much about computers that they knew pratically nothing about.

One day he was in the shop alone when a young lady of about his age came in.She smiled immediatel she saw him,

"You're just the person I want to see",she said.

"ME?",he replied puzzled

"yes YOU,I was here a couple of weeks before with a friend to buy a harddrive for her pc"

"Ok,how may I help you Madam"

he thought he sounded funny acting all formal and all and saying madam ish,a couple of years before and he would have tried to get her phone number instead

"From my deductions it seems you're know pretty much a lot about computers,I'm having a problem with my processor I think it's damaged and my system no longer runs as fast as it used to.I would have tried to change it but i was wondering if you could come look at it first and tell me wat you think"

"It's likey your system is infected by a ...."

"VIRUS?" she interupted him, "I already checked that with an antivirus created by a friend of mine with all the latest updates but it found nothing,I even went through the system's directories manually but I found no discrep...."

she continued to talk but at this point Bobo Yin had lost hearing,he saw her mouth moving but heard nothing all he saw was teh face of an angel talking processor speeds,video support capacity,memory size....

Once again Bobo Yin had beeen struck by cupid's arrow.he went to her place and tehy finaly decided to change the whole system as Swashi *that was her name* kept on countering his every sugestion sayin why it wasn't sufficient and stuff.

She asked him to accompany her to geta brand new one,he told her he had to work she said that she would request for his services from his boss and pay for the time he would spend with her if need be.

the went to get the system and after a whole lot of arguing about which was the best and wishing if it wasn't too expensive and even when it was she would just linger in front of a to-kill-for system and lust for it.At the end of teh day they left without her choosing one,she said she would wait to get more money before she got one.

They made six trips before she atcually got one,but when he saw it,he acknowledged that it was actuall worth it.At time when people used Pentium 3 and were feeling like Obama in BAli,she got her hand on a Pentium core duo 2 system with 200gb hard drive memory,3.5GB RAM,processor speed......

They got married in Two months,Bobo Yin said he would kill himself if he didn't marry her *bloody liar* time went on and they didn't have any kids but they were happy cos they had six more powerful computers and they also ahd a computer business running where Bobo Yin sold customised computer systems and they lived happily ever after till one day God smiled on them when Bobo Yin was 60 years old and Shiska 50.they gave birth to a son and they lived happierly ever after


I hop y'all enjoyed this horrible end I'mm sorry I couldn't do better but that's just the way gfunc is hehe


much love to my pips ms dufa and myne whiteman and sugarking

ME MUST POST!!!!!! 2

....warned not to eat meals in other people's houses.Bobo Yin found himself learning to cook.Thanks to Obidike,a co-tenant he learnt to cook a couple of nigerian meals,and as time went on he found himself loving starch and Banga soup.He and Obidike became good friends until Obidike found out that Bobo Yin was touching his sister in places where... *well I'll let y'all imagine*

Obidike reported him to the traders association in Alaba and Bobo Yin was ostracised *I wonder wat this word means* anyways he was banished from the market cos Obidike had connections.The fighting spirit in him led him to begin a career in catering services *a posh name for wat we know as mama or papa put in his case.The business actually flourished for a while until he met Debby.Debby was a rice trader she sold bags of rice to people who ordered for them,she had a flat tire and it was being fixed in a mechanic's close to his joint.She came in to get a bottle of soft drink but the real reason was to escape the advances she was getting from the local boys around the mechanic's workshop.At that moment Bobo Yin was busy handling a pot of amala he was preparing and trying to wash dishes at the same time.

She went over to him and noticing his unusual accent as he made good her order,she asked;

"Futeo make buignol effi?"

Shocked out of his inevitable afro,he replied;

"Futea marina Bali 3 anioses"

I know I got y'all lost even myself but they were speaking some dialect that a tribe in Bali speak and he said he went to school in Bali for 3 years after she asked him if he had any relation with the buignols.

They got talking and she noticed how smart he sounded and they kept talking more and more and even left the amala that Bobo Yin was preparing to get burnt.It's some strange tradition that the buignols practise.They leave everyother thing they're doing when you have a guest in the house and you must sit on the floor while your guest stands.

After telling her his sad story and how he found his ass doing papa put,she gave him her address and asked him to come see her at home.She left and Bobo Yin couldn't stop smiling throughout the day cos the Buignols have it as tradition that if you became sad after receiving a guest in your house you were likely to die in your sleep.

The day came that Bobo Yin was to go see her.Equiped with brand new white clothing he went there in a taxi-something he had never done since he came to Nigeria.She met him at the door and like the buignols she welcomed him with a french kiss *another buignol thingy* but the kiss is not to necessarily last more than 10 sec but this particular kiss went on for 5 full minutes and later on graduated to something else.

The two fell in love and Debby encouraged him to continue his studies.He enrolled in APTECH apapa where he got certified as a computer specialist and he began to make crazy money in the time of the internet boom.he became a big boy and got himself a car and got a Luxury bus for Debby.Life was splendid until the day Debby was killed on her way back from Cotonou.A jealous custom officer who she had turned down his advance so many times had been behind it.

Bobo Yin got wind of this news,sold off alll his property and got on a plane to his home town but as he was ascending the stairs of the plane,the "custom officer" was descending into teh earth being a muslim and all he wasn't allowed to stay more than a day in the mortuary.

A new life in a town he left Six years ago,things had changed the economy of his coutry was now better that that of Nigeria as well as their currency so he wasn't such a big boy anymore,so.........


I'm sorry if I sound like a Nigerian movie but this is to be continued cheers!!!