WHY MEMORISE WHEN I CAN SAVE EVERYTHING TO MY BLACKBERRY SMARTPHONE ....

... Well, If I had one . I would not bother to cram all the elements on the periodic table because with blackberry phones just like the iphone, there is an application for everything. I wouldn't need to be as smart hardworking as I am now. Whole nights of cramming stuff up...Running all the way to the lecture theatre just to tell Bimbo that I was in room 209 and not room 989 like she thought.

I would walk differently because having a blackberry phone changes your genes and entire being so that you all of a sudden become a member of a higher class of humans " the BBeings " as opposed to just being a regular human.

I would have been able to keep in touch with the white lady that came over to our vilage with Chike the son of Nwafor. She stayed with us for 4 nkwo market days, during that time I had gotten to know her and discovered that not only does she pick her nose but that she doesn't go to the toilet only to powder her nose.

Chike was the first to leave our village. After primary school, his teacher has said the he was a promising lad and that He would take him over to Lagos where he would attend secondary school. All in exchange for little service such as cleaning the house everyday, learning to make world-class meals, making those meals three times or more a day, doing the dishes afterwards, taking care of two toddlers and one adolescent, doing the laundry of the whole family,and some other "little" miscellaneous tasks. Chike was still expected to go to school and have time to take care of his business - appear at school looking smart everyday while he only had one uniform pair, take care of assignments, study for tests, ...

Back in the village, the general idea was that Cike was living the life. No more farm runs for him, it was all enjoyment now. He was in Lagos... But was that really what it was ?

Now how did Chike get to meet the white lady ? And why am I talking about Chike's life right now when I had initially started this write-up talking about my self and certain things that I do not possess ?

Keyboard happy

Nowadays, I look at these young ones knowingly when they talk about all these social networks. In my days, when you heard the word "network", you thought about electricity, but today it's about computer networks and social metworks. How times have changed...

In those days, my only means of communicating with people, other than actually going to see them, was by letters and telegrams. Most people don't even know what telegrams are these days. Back in my days if you sent someone a telegram, you would go around feeling like you was the s*** (yes granny knows your lingo)

I used to be the girl whose yansh, all those boys would stare at and fall into gutters. Yes I was the .... Back then I made sense *winks* . I once had a white man stop his car to talk to me while I was on my way to the stream.

It was a day like every other day, I had noticed a car drive past on my way to the stream and on my way back, the car was parked by the side of the road next to Ima's father's hut. Christopher - He had told me I could call him that, even though I insisted with Sir - was seated on the hood of his ride smoking a cigarette.

I can remember thinking to myself that he wasn't like the reverend father who my naive self had begun to believe was some form of divine being and I never seemed to be able to read into his eyes. But with Christopher it was different, first of all, it was obvious that he was human because he coughed twice while exhaling smoke like when water was used to quench the flames of the wood in the fireplace. And then when I looked in his eyes I knew exactly what was on his mind. It was the same look that Obinna had in his eyes when he talked to me on the ufo market day.

As Christopher tred to make talk with me I quicly told him that I needed to go home as I was expected to return with the water and I couldn't be seen talking to just any man. I hurried away from him so as to make sure no one saw us together. Even though I knew that eyes had seen and mouths would talk while ear would hear evn if they weren't listening that I Osa, daughter of Ovie, had been admired by a white man.

From then on, the suitors didn't stop coming to Ovie - my father's house. The village head all of a sudden decided that Ovie should be decorated as a chief. My mother's shop was packed with customers even after she had sold all her wares. One customer had offered to buy her slippers at a ridiculously expensive price, she had almost slapped him.

All these things other favours were shown to my family members just because of the 67.87 seconds that I had spent it Christopher. *Dont ask how I calculated the time because everyone know that Nokia phones come with the stopwatch feature ... Duh ! *



SO nowadays when I look at these young men that come to see my grand-daughters and be telling me about school and how they want to study with girls that live at 150 naira okada away from where their own houses are, I want to slap the taste out of their mouth. What do they think, that because my breasts are sagging, tha means my brain is too ???

SMH at these youngings, Don't be stoopid Aww !!! :D

UNCERTAIN

I woke up with a desire to write up a post...

Yesterday one of these good ideas for a blog post crossed my mind. It was supposed to be something cool. It was supposed to be a short post but it was to be a nice one.

Yesterday I had it all planned out, today ... * well you get the message *

I saw all the comments I was going to get, I saw Ibhade, I saw Myne, I even saw that new girl blogger that had before now never commented or read my blog. I saw her face light up when she read this post and I heard her ask herself " How did he know ? ". I smelt her make-up ... or what was left of it. She had hurriedly put it on just before she left school - them no dey tell person where im go meet im future husband :D ...

You would ask how I know, it's a girl ??... well I just know. I know a lot of things like how water turns to vapour when the sun or any other source of heat, heats it up. I also know that alcohol could alter your behaviour.

I know that Papa Chinedu didn't leave Mama Chinedu with his "clear eyes", No, there was that coloration that hadn't been there, in his eyes, the day he brought her home on his motorbike. He had wanted to hire a car for the day, their wedding day, but she had refused, she talked about one naira and one million ....????? * I doubt she had "clear eyes" too * I doubt that she only listened to the praise and worship tapes produced by her church choir. I doubt a lot of things ....

I doubt the sincerity of Goodluck Jonathan and if you like you can sue me but I doubt that Fashola was a model kid growing up. I'm certain he beat other kids at football and laughed when he dribbled them and they fell down. I'm almost certain he stole 25 kobo from that part of his mama's wrapper where she ties money. I don't know what a model kid is but ... * fill the blanks *

About filling the blanks, it's just like this time where I filled in for Chinedu, yes that Chinedu, the one that got sent out of the boarding house and his parents had to relocate so he could make it to school early everday. That Chinedu that didn't realise the sacrifices his parents made for him. The one that talked to his mother in a tone I considered too "oyinbo". If I had ever tried that with mama gfunc, it's certain this blog would never exist.

This blog where I write down my thoughts and thoughts of what I would like to think of...This blog where I don't often put up posts as much as I should. This blog where I've come to write a post and I think to my self

" I woke up with a desire to write a post ... "

THE SMELL OF PERFUME AND CHEAP WINE ...

Do not think that my title has anything to do with what I'm going to speak of in this post cos it doesn't or maybe it does ... well we'll see as the post goes on because right now I have no idea what i'm going to write on ...


I put up a post last friday that was inspired by the housewife *not so much of one now* who tells "nitty-gritty" tales :D * I know that sounds wack but abeg no come put sand for my garri by saying it* and it was kinda cool, and now seeing that I got two comments from my two most regular commenters IBAHDE
and Myne and I guess they want me to blog more often so here goes ...


I guess I'll do this random because the ideas are not coming, so ...


I went to church yesterday ... not like I don't go to church every sunday, but this sentence has to start in some way and not necessarily by "In church yesterday ..." because not everybody know what day yesterday was cos I sure sey for some parts of the world my yesterday was not their yesterday cos mine was sunday and thiers might have been tuesday or wednesday .... I don dey stray from the original aim of this post.

So like I was saying before I interupted myself I was at church yesterday and then the day's message was on faith and stuff and I think it was a kinda cool message talking about how it's impossible to please God without faith... Go check out the book of Hebrews chapter 11 *good stuff I tell you* . Anyways I know a bunch of you guys have heard messages on faith and stuff but in any case what made that special was that I got on facebook that evening and there was some guy also talking about faith , coincidence ???

In other news, I just might be getting married soon and I mean semi-geological kinda soon lol. I read a lot of blog posts about people's relatives asking them when they were going to get married and stuff. but I normally assume that these people are in quite older that me cos I no too dey look my self like old person na abi na because i get bear-bear ?. From yesterday's talk i guess i should start paying closer attention to girls yanshes girls so that I can pick one to be my girlfriend and then we go come marry after "dating" for some time or better still we no go even date sef I go just pray then God will reveal my wife and I go go yarn the babe sey we gats marry na na na or else God go vex * Father forgive me * or even better yet I fit do it Chinua Achebe old school style and just tell my mama to go find girl wey come from a good family and the day wey i go see her first na the day wey we go do engagemant and then that night there will be a test .... *CENSORED*


So I titled this post "the smell of perfume and cheap wine", I guess i'll just have to say something about that . I saw that phrase somewhere and I thought it was reall catchy and kinda cool so i wrote it on facebook and guess what ??? nobody even commented on it . i was like what the ??? Why was I the only one finding that quote beautiful... ok not beautiful but then there was a kind of mystery about it that just made you want to say something, no ?

Oh well so I decided to keep on writing about it everywhere until i got someone to feel the exact way I felt about it and then leaves a really long comment comment that makes me go " Now that's what I was expecting !! "

I know this post has been really just one big rant but i did it for love, but seeing that the result is not so cool I shouldn't have bothered sef

AREA !!! * south-south style * THIS IS GOING TO BE LONG POST THE LOOKS OF THINGS

Does my title even make sense ?

So I logged on jejely on google reader to see who had updated and of course who hadn't and there was a post from IBHADE . You know the apparently Edo woman who gives us the latest gossip in her area, from her diary-kinda, friend-yarning-with-friend-gossip kinda blog ? ... * sounds of crickets creeching* ... hmmm ? Well if you don't, check her out here. :D

So she got talking about how she doesn't give a **** anymore about certain stuff she used to fret about back in the day, and was asking herself if she was normal ... Well if she thinks there something wrong with her attitude towards things then that will mean that I'm probably irredeemable.

Like her I don't care much for designer articles; clothes, accesories, shoes, whatever. I go for quality most times that not. I don't care much for appearances and I more often want to appear at my worst.

You ask why ??? ... me too

Firstly I'll say it's just a way of me wanting people to appreciate me for me
another human like themselves just because. I do not believe in working to gain the love of someone ... I guess.

I want to live in a perfect world where people are not moved by physical things - beauty, money, cars, swagger even. I don't know if I'mmaking any sense but I guess it would be quite complicated to explain what i'm trying to mean because sometimes I don't even understand what I want myself.


I've been in situations where I've let go of certain benefits I could have gained from people just because I was made to feel I HAD to do something for that person in return. I don't do this with everybody, it's usually with people I call friends friends and family or those that I have plans to someday consider as friends and family if you get what i mean ...

I like to give stuff out when I do that is *winks* without expecting anything in return. I mean, if I let you have something, it's gone and forgotten, I don't really expect you to pay me back ... even though it could be nice to have that though. But you'll never hear me make statements like "Shebi after all I've done for him/her/you, he/she/you could/could not ..." *try to understand this sentence*
or "You know you owe me for what I did for you on *insert occasion* " or ... well y'all get it already.


I'm the sort of person that would go weeks not cutting my beard, cutting my hair, or even rubbing mama africa vaseline on my skin just beacause and I'm still the one who goes out of his way to buy some "expensive" soaps, really swing deodorant *I don't joke with that even though I may not look so fried rice but i dislike smelling like beans :D* I'd cut my hair every single friday and trim my beard just perfect. i like to look good to dress up and look presentable but that's definetely not what deifnes me. People ought to try to read between the lines of the sentences that make up the book of the lives of people * I like *

In another rant, I'll talk about entirely different stuff, like how this girl caught me staring at her yansh and went to report me to my mama * I joke, I joke , I kid, I kid * No actually, I want to talk about how I've come to appreciate sun and stuff how I found this blog about a Lagos "celebrity" of some sort who keeps a blog that recounts "his" "fun filled" night life in the city of lagos and other major nigerian cities where e dey happen.

I read and I really don't know what to make of all he says, I kinda admire the way he's chosen to stand for something * smh * and not give a **** . Because there's usually a disclaimer at the start of all his posts warning people of the content that might figure in his write-ups and a bunch of other stuff how many people get the correct web etiquettes to read the disclaimer sef ? but some people just have to play preacher and try to force advice this adult to change from his ways * insert blank look and then picture me laughing in esperantus * . It is cool to advice people and talk to them about God and stuff, but if all you have to say when you come to play is based on what society considers "moral" then you have no idea what moral is.

I've always read this sort of post - which sort of post you say ? well posts like the one i'm writing now - and didn't think i'd one day be writing one like it anytime soon but you never know ...


I'd love to "rant" some more so I'll just start another post after this one so that way y'all don't have one long ass post to deal with so I say;

À tout de suite !!!

P.S : I tried editing but I just tire for the matter jo !

THOUGHT I HEARD EM SAY 2

I walked over to Bro. James who was conducting the cleaning for that day to know what task I had been assigned. After obtaining details on how I was going to dismount the canopies, fold up the canvas and then ensure that they were taken back to the rentals, I walked over to the first Canopy where Dayo, who I was going to be working with, awaited me.

I said hi and made some quick talk about how I once had a tee_shirt like the one he had on - a white tee with "it's not easy being green" written in front with green ink. He had this sheepish look that showed appreciation or respect or something . I didn't think much of it though.

Five minutes and one canopy dismounted later, I noticed Dayo looking at me .

"You don't notice her do you ?", he said,

"Notice who ?" I replied,

"The blue-eyed blond"

"What ???"

"You mean you don't notice her" he said, with an eye-lid raised,

I looked around and tried to figure out who he was talking about but most people were doing one thing or another in the church premises and I really couldn't make out who he was talking about

"I give up man, are you telling me or what ?" I said,getting impatient

"Well", he began, "I've noticed Chinelo look at you a couple of times in that way"

"What way ?" I almost shouted. Why was he beating around the bush ?

"Well you know when a girl likes a guy, there's a way she looks at him and then she often talks to Yemisi afterwards in that girly-gossip manner"

"Hmmm..." I said feeling a rush of excitement but didn't let it show

"Hmmm...?????" said Dayo "What do you mean hmmm...???"

"Ok" I said acting cool and all but inside me I couldn't believe that the prettiest girl in the church,whose father was really involved in church activities , was looking at me

"I just told you what I noticed", said Dayo in a resigning tone

He kept quiet for a while and we were able to finish three more canopies in silence, then he said,

"You don't like her ?"

"I don't hate her man, I bare even know her, so I don't know.Besides,we really need to work faster, we have two more canopies and there's that rental guy's place where we have to take them to so ...."

We worked for two more hours because we had to wait a bit at Funky rentals. The guy had gone over to set up canopies at some primary school graduation ceremony. Thanks to my bargaining skills which I put in full use this time, I was able to blackmail the guy with his lateness and stating that I had some important thing to do and he delayed me and so I was taking out 250 naira from his charges.

I got back to the church and Chinelo was still there with Yemisi doing pretty much nothing. I walked over to brother james and handed him the receipt and the "change" I had obtained. I said hi to the "sisters" and I noticed right there that Chinelo avoided my eyes while replying and Yemisi smiled at me while leaving on display all 32. I just acted like a "big boy" and made my way for the gate when I heard my name

"Chikanelo"

I didn't turn back for fear that I was imagining things

"Bro Chikanelo"

I turned and saw Yemisi walking towards Bro james while Chinelo was still seated and looking at me

"Did you call me ?", I asked

"Yes I did", she said "You have a cockroach on your shirt"

I really dislike cockroaches but in order not to "fall my hand" before her I gently shook my shirt and watched the insect scurry away unlike normally when I would dance kpalango in a bid to get off the insect and then then with someone else's slippers crush the bug to smithereens

I looked at her and said thanks but I didn't see any lovey dovey look in her eyes, I wondered as I walked out of the church

On my way home just as I walked past Kemi's place, my phone rang. I brought out my nokia 8310 to hear the prettiest voice I had ever heard say my name ... again !

THOUGHT I HEARD EM SAY

I thought I heard em say they loved me
I thought they meant it
I thought they saw beyond my wealth and beauty but now all that's gone I know better
I lived like there was no tomorrow
well Today is the tomorrow I thought there never was
Doesn't make sense
That's normal most people think I'm crazy

****************************************************


I woke up and looked at the clock,It was a couple of minutes to seven which left me about and hour to get set to be on my way to church.I had promised to join in cleaning up the church building the week before so ....

Teeth cleaned, hair brushed and bathroom slippers on, I made for Iyana Ishashi taking Alebiowu street.It had rained the night before so a quick spray of muddy water on my clothes by an Okada man and there was no doubt that I'm not living the life I want to be living.

I brush my shoulders *not like there was any dirt there but because I can dey like form like mumu sometimes* , I bring out my mp3 player that I had bought second-handed from an Aboki *malam **Hausa trade** * at Alaba-rago.

The Aboki had sold it to me thinking he had ripped two hundred naira off me but little did he know that this mp3 is worth way more to me than I paid him for it.Even though I had bought it at 300 naira less than the average buyer I knew I could have gotten it for 200 hundred lesser than I did but I was in such a happy mood to get it that i let that 2H slip *it ain't goin happen next time man, money wey I go jejely use carry sukirat go Mama Iyabo place chop better Amala kpshewww!!! *

A couple of touches later and I have Drake singing Paris morton music to my ears

Wouldve came back for you ,
I just needed time, to do what I had to do
caught in the life, I cant let it go whether thats right I will never know,
hoping you will forgive me, never meant wrong,
tried to be patient, waited too long,
but I wouldve came back, but i wouldve came back,
wouldve came back, wouldve came back.
Wouldve came -


Hearing his voice calmed me all of a sudden. As I walked on Adaloko road, seeing all the naked little kid on the street, watching Papa George trying to get fresh with the Paraga woman's daughter, seeing four people on one okada risking their lives just cos they didn't have much other options of transportation, even as I stop by kemi's place to buy roasted corn and coconut (my lunch later on) I felt like I was seeing a movie ... loking at my own life from the angle of a second person.

Music is my drug, it's what gets me through some hard times and stuff.

I walk pass a couple of pretty girls and i'm like "if only I was more of a man, I'd go say hi" and that's the most I do I continue my walk and finally I get to church and I stop before the gate to wonder if I was worthy to go in. I say a hurried prayer and walk in.

The first thing I lay my eyes on are Iheoma's breasts , I quickly look away and behold Daisy, the girl I've "loved" since like forever.If I ever get the chance .... well there's really no need to dream unrealistic thing now, is there ?

***************************************************

whatever was going through my mind writing,this I have no idea
I hope someone finds sense in it and you don't waste your time

Cheers loves !!!!!!!