UNCERTAIN

I woke up with a desire to write up a post...

Yesterday one of these good ideas for a blog post crossed my mind. It was supposed to be something cool. It was supposed to be a short post but it was to be a nice one.

Yesterday I had it all planned out, today ... * well you get the message *

I saw all the comments I was going to get, I saw Ibhade, I saw Myne, I even saw that new girl blogger that had before now never commented or read my blog. I saw her face light up when she read this post and I heard her ask herself " How did he know ? ". I smelt her make-up ... or what was left of it. She had hurriedly put it on just before she left school - them no dey tell person where im go meet im future husband :D ...

You would ask how I know, it's a girl ??... well I just know. I know a lot of things like how water turns to vapour when the sun or any other source of heat, heats it up. I also know that alcohol could alter your behaviour.

I know that Papa Chinedu didn't leave Mama Chinedu with his "clear eyes", No, there was that coloration that hadn't been there, in his eyes, the day he brought her home on his motorbike. He had wanted to hire a car for the day, their wedding day, but she had refused, she talked about one naira and one million ....????? * I doubt she had "clear eyes" too * I doubt that she only listened to the praise and worship tapes produced by her church choir. I doubt a lot of things ....

I doubt the sincerity of Goodluck Jonathan and if you like you can sue me but I doubt that Fashola was a model kid growing up. I'm certain he beat other kids at football and laughed when he dribbled them and they fell down. I'm almost certain he stole 25 kobo from that part of his mama's wrapper where she ties money. I don't know what a model kid is but ... * fill the blanks *

About filling the blanks, it's just like this time where I filled in for Chinedu, yes that Chinedu, the one that got sent out of the boarding house and his parents had to relocate so he could make it to school early everday. That Chinedu that didn't realise the sacrifices his parents made for him. The one that talked to his mother in a tone I considered too "oyinbo". If I had ever tried that with mama gfunc, it's certain this blog would never exist.

This blog where I write down my thoughts and thoughts of what I would like to think of...This blog where I don't often put up posts as much as I should. This blog where I've come to write a post and I think to my self

" I woke up with a desire to write a post ... "

THE SMELL OF PERFUME AND CHEAP WINE ...

Do not think that my title has anything to do with what I'm going to speak of in this post cos it doesn't or maybe it does ... well we'll see as the post goes on because right now I have no idea what i'm going to write on ...


I put up a post last friday that was inspired by the housewife *not so much of one now* who tells "nitty-gritty" tales :D * I know that sounds wack but abeg no come put sand for my garri by saying it* and it was kinda cool, and now seeing that I got two comments from my two most regular commenters IBAHDE
and Myne and I guess they want me to blog more often so here goes ...


I guess I'll do this random because the ideas are not coming, so ...


I went to church yesterday ... not like I don't go to church every sunday, but this sentence has to start in some way and not necessarily by "In church yesterday ..." because not everybody know what day yesterday was cos I sure sey for some parts of the world my yesterday was not their yesterday cos mine was sunday and thiers might have been tuesday or wednesday .... I don dey stray from the original aim of this post.

So like I was saying before I interupted myself I was at church yesterday and then the day's message was on faith and stuff and I think it was a kinda cool message talking about how it's impossible to please God without faith... Go check out the book of Hebrews chapter 11 *good stuff I tell you* . Anyways I know a bunch of you guys have heard messages on faith and stuff but in any case what made that special was that I got on facebook that evening and there was some guy also talking about faith , coincidence ???

In other news, I just might be getting married soon and I mean semi-geological kinda soon lol. I read a lot of blog posts about people's relatives asking them when they were going to get married and stuff. but I normally assume that these people are in quite older that me cos I no too dey look my self like old person na abi na because i get bear-bear ?. From yesterday's talk i guess i should start paying closer attention to girls yanshes girls so that I can pick one to be my girlfriend and then we go come marry after "dating" for some time or better still we no go even date sef I go just pray then God will reveal my wife and I go go yarn the babe sey we gats marry na na na or else God go vex * Father forgive me * or even better yet I fit do it Chinua Achebe old school style and just tell my mama to go find girl wey come from a good family and the day wey i go see her first na the day wey we go do engagemant and then that night there will be a test .... *CENSORED*


So I titled this post "the smell of perfume and cheap wine", I guess i'll just have to say something about that . I saw that phrase somewhere and I thought it was reall catchy and kinda cool so i wrote it on facebook and guess what ??? nobody even commented on it . i was like what the ??? Why was I the only one finding that quote beautiful... ok not beautiful but then there was a kind of mystery about it that just made you want to say something, no ?

Oh well so I decided to keep on writing about it everywhere until i got someone to feel the exact way I felt about it and then leaves a really long comment comment that makes me go " Now that's what I was expecting !! "

I know this post has been really just one big rant but i did it for love, but seeing that the result is not so cool I shouldn't have bothered sef

AREA !!! * south-south style * THIS IS GOING TO BE LONG POST THE LOOKS OF THINGS

Does my title even make sense ?

So I logged on jejely on google reader to see who had updated and of course who hadn't and there was a post from IBHADE . You know the apparently Edo woman who gives us the latest gossip in her area, from her diary-kinda, friend-yarning-with-friend-gossip kinda blog ? ... * sounds of crickets creeching* ... hmmm ? Well if you don't, check her out here. :D

So she got talking about how she doesn't give a **** anymore about certain stuff she used to fret about back in the day, and was asking herself if she was normal ... Well if she thinks there something wrong with her attitude towards things then that will mean that I'm probably irredeemable.

Like her I don't care much for designer articles; clothes, accesories, shoes, whatever. I go for quality most times that not. I don't care much for appearances and I more often want to appear at my worst.

You ask why ??? ... me too

Firstly I'll say it's just a way of me wanting people to appreciate me for me
another human like themselves just because. I do not believe in working to gain the love of someone ... I guess.

I want to live in a perfect world where people are not moved by physical things - beauty, money, cars, swagger even. I don't know if I'mmaking any sense but I guess it would be quite complicated to explain what i'm trying to mean because sometimes I don't even understand what I want myself.


I've been in situations where I've let go of certain benefits I could have gained from people just because I was made to feel I HAD to do something for that person in return. I don't do this with everybody, it's usually with people I call friends friends and family or those that I have plans to someday consider as friends and family if you get what i mean ...

I like to give stuff out when I do that is *winks* without expecting anything in return. I mean, if I let you have something, it's gone and forgotten, I don't really expect you to pay me back ... even though it could be nice to have that though. But you'll never hear me make statements like "Shebi after all I've done for him/her/you, he/she/you could/could not ..." *try to understand this sentence*
or "You know you owe me for what I did for you on *insert occasion* " or ... well y'all get it already.


I'm the sort of person that would go weeks not cutting my beard, cutting my hair, or even rubbing mama africa vaseline on my skin just beacause and I'm still the one who goes out of his way to buy some "expensive" soaps, really swing deodorant *I don't joke with that even though I may not look so fried rice but i dislike smelling like beans :D* I'd cut my hair every single friday and trim my beard just perfect. i like to look good to dress up and look presentable but that's definetely not what deifnes me. People ought to try to read between the lines of the sentences that make up the book of the lives of people * I like *

In another rant, I'll talk about entirely different stuff, like how this girl caught me staring at her yansh and went to report me to my mama * I joke, I joke , I kid, I kid * No actually, I want to talk about how I've come to appreciate sun and stuff how I found this blog about a Lagos "celebrity" of some sort who keeps a blog that recounts "his" "fun filled" night life in the city of lagos and other major nigerian cities where e dey happen.

I read and I really don't know what to make of all he says, I kinda admire the way he's chosen to stand for something * smh * and not give a **** . Because there's usually a disclaimer at the start of all his posts warning people of the content that might figure in his write-ups and a bunch of other stuff how many people get the correct web etiquettes to read the disclaimer sef ? but some people just have to play preacher and try to force advice this adult to change from his ways * insert blank look and then picture me laughing in esperantus * . It is cool to advice people and talk to them about God and stuff, but if all you have to say when you come to play is based on what society considers "moral" then you have no idea what moral is.

I've always read this sort of post - which sort of post you say ? well posts like the one i'm writing now - and didn't think i'd one day be writing one like it anytime soon but you never know ...


I'd love to "rant" some more so I'll just start another post after this one so that way y'all don't have one long ass post to deal with so I say;

À tout de suite !!!

P.S : I tried editing but I just tire for the matter jo !

THOUGHT I HEARD EM SAY 2

I walked over to Bro. James who was conducting the cleaning for that day to know what task I had been assigned. After obtaining details on how I was going to dismount the canopies, fold up the canvas and then ensure that they were taken back to the rentals, I walked over to the first Canopy where Dayo, who I was going to be working with, awaited me.

I said hi and made some quick talk about how I once had a tee_shirt like the one he had on - a white tee with "it's not easy being green" written in front with green ink. He had this sheepish look that showed appreciation or respect or something . I didn't think much of it though.

Five minutes and one canopy dismounted later, I noticed Dayo looking at me .

"You don't notice her do you ?", he said,

"Notice who ?" I replied,

"The blue-eyed blond"

"What ???"

"You mean you don't notice her" he said, with an eye-lid raised,

I looked around and tried to figure out who he was talking about but most people were doing one thing or another in the church premises and I really couldn't make out who he was talking about

"I give up man, are you telling me or what ?" I said,getting impatient

"Well", he began, "I've noticed Chinelo look at you a couple of times in that way"

"What way ?" I almost shouted. Why was he beating around the bush ?

"Well you know when a girl likes a guy, there's a way she looks at him and then she often talks to Yemisi afterwards in that girly-gossip manner"

"Hmmm..." I said feeling a rush of excitement but didn't let it show

"Hmmm...?????" said Dayo "What do you mean hmmm...???"

"Ok" I said acting cool and all but inside me I couldn't believe that the prettiest girl in the church,whose father was really involved in church activities , was looking at me

"I just told you what I noticed", said Dayo in a resigning tone

He kept quiet for a while and we were able to finish three more canopies in silence, then he said,

"You don't like her ?"

"I don't hate her man, I bare even know her, so I don't know.Besides,we really need to work faster, we have two more canopies and there's that rental guy's place where we have to take them to so ...."

We worked for two more hours because we had to wait a bit at Funky rentals. The guy had gone over to set up canopies at some primary school graduation ceremony. Thanks to my bargaining skills which I put in full use this time, I was able to blackmail the guy with his lateness and stating that I had some important thing to do and he delayed me and so I was taking out 250 naira from his charges.

I got back to the church and Chinelo was still there with Yemisi doing pretty much nothing. I walked over to brother james and handed him the receipt and the "change" I had obtained. I said hi to the "sisters" and I noticed right there that Chinelo avoided my eyes while replying and Yemisi smiled at me while leaving on display all 32. I just acted like a "big boy" and made my way for the gate when I heard my name

"Chikanelo"

I didn't turn back for fear that I was imagining things

"Bro Chikanelo"

I turned and saw Yemisi walking towards Bro james while Chinelo was still seated and looking at me

"Did you call me ?", I asked

"Yes I did", she said "You have a cockroach on your shirt"

I really dislike cockroaches but in order not to "fall my hand" before her I gently shook my shirt and watched the insect scurry away unlike normally when I would dance kpalango in a bid to get off the insect and then then with someone else's slippers crush the bug to smithereens

I looked at her and said thanks but I didn't see any lovey dovey look in her eyes, I wondered as I walked out of the church

On my way home just as I walked past Kemi's place, my phone rang. I brought out my nokia 8310 to hear the prettiest voice I had ever heard say my name ... again !

THOUGHT I HEARD EM SAY

I thought I heard em say they loved me
I thought they meant it
I thought they saw beyond my wealth and beauty but now all that's gone I know better
I lived like there was no tomorrow
well Today is the tomorrow I thought there never was
Doesn't make sense
That's normal most people think I'm crazy

****************************************************


I woke up and looked at the clock,It was a couple of minutes to seven which left me about and hour to get set to be on my way to church.I had promised to join in cleaning up the church building the week before so ....

Teeth cleaned, hair brushed and bathroom slippers on, I made for Iyana Ishashi taking Alebiowu street.It had rained the night before so a quick spray of muddy water on my clothes by an Okada man and there was no doubt that I'm not living the life I want to be living.

I brush my shoulders *not like there was any dirt there but because I can dey like form like mumu sometimes* , I bring out my mp3 player that I had bought second-handed from an Aboki *malam **Hausa trade** * at Alaba-rago.

The Aboki had sold it to me thinking he had ripped two hundred naira off me but little did he know that this mp3 is worth way more to me than I paid him for it.Even though I had bought it at 300 naira less than the average buyer I knew I could have gotten it for 200 hundred lesser than I did but I was in such a happy mood to get it that i let that 2H slip *it ain't goin happen next time man, money wey I go jejely use carry sukirat go Mama Iyabo place chop better Amala kpshewww!!! *

A couple of touches later and I have Drake singing Paris morton music to my ears

Wouldve came back for you ,
I just needed time, to do what I had to do
caught in the life, I cant let it go whether thats right I will never know,
hoping you will forgive me, never meant wrong,
tried to be patient, waited too long,
but I wouldve came back, but i wouldve came back,
wouldve came back, wouldve came back.
Wouldve came -


Hearing his voice calmed me all of a sudden. As I walked on Adaloko road, seeing all the naked little kid on the street, watching Papa George trying to get fresh with the Paraga woman's daughter, seeing four people on one okada risking their lives just cos they didn't have much other options of transportation, even as I stop by kemi's place to buy roasted corn and coconut (my lunch later on) I felt like I was seeing a movie ... loking at my own life from the angle of a second person.

Music is my drug, it's what gets me through some hard times and stuff.

I walk pass a couple of pretty girls and i'm like "if only I was more of a man, I'd go say hi" and that's the most I do I continue my walk and finally I get to church and I stop before the gate to wonder if I was worthy to go in. I say a hurried prayer and walk in.

The first thing I lay my eyes on are Iheoma's breasts , I quickly look away and behold Daisy, the girl I've "loved" since like forever.If I ever get the chance .... well there's really no need to dream unrealistic thing now, is there ?

***************************************************

whatever was going through my mind writing,this I have no idea
I hope someone finds sense in it and you don't waste your time

Cheers loves !!!!!!!

You don't joke with mama Gfunc,I mean you just don't.

To say that I'm capable of imagining what would happen if I ever dared to "try" her would would be like saying I could fly.I'm saying it would be possible but then quit hard to believe....y'all get what I'm trying to mean?

One day...

lol that line reminds me of tales I read as an adolescent

Anyways ,On a fateful day * or was it a fateless one? * I think I wasn's feeling okay that day cos really....let me explain:

With mama gfunc.... I look at the way I wrote "mama gfunc" beginning with a small letter and I say to myself:

"Oh boy you don get levels oh, like so you can fit to try that kind thing now? fear dey catch me oh"

It's like that kinda Obama feeling *wetin dey do me with this Obama sef?* to be able to write the name that way.It's like how back in secondary school we would proudly call teacher by their names: first or surnames but only when they were note present but with mama gfunc it's worse and really hard to explain.

I watched in fright .... No terror at occasions when this lady dealt with hard core criminals sorry my older brothers and sisters when they commited crimes sorry were being a bit naughty like every normal little kid.

Her methods of discipline ranged from stripping *yeah butt ass naked* and sending them out in the streets while flogging their yanshes.Her methods or detaching the clothes were rude and crude and I'll leave that to y'all to imagine cos "graphic" descriptive details are going to traumatise you *it's certain why y'all think I write so much random ish?.... Anybody??.... Well go figure !*

After her torture sorry discipline sessions it became kinda hard to believe that my mother was human or even had a heart.I knew she wasn't the anti-christ cos dude should be a dude and should be doing politics and ish but the day mama gfunc became the treasurer of the residents of Close 100,satellite town, I boardered on ideas of moving out of the house at 8 1/2 years old

The day I tried to talk about at the beginning of this rant may seem to have been forgotten about but it's kinda hard not to get emotional and pour out your heart when you have such experiences as part of your past .

School was over and being that big sis was having extra lessons and that was not because she no sabi book or that she needed it ,No..it was mama gfunc's desire look at it as a kind of caprice,anyways I had to go home with a friend of mine taking the only sorry usual route I did with my sis but a winsh sorry my friend told me he knew of another route to my place which goes through his house and then that one was much more fun than my boringly usual one.

I sheepingly followed him and I had walked say 336m away from the entire area of possible locus allowed for horseplay when going home taking the usual way and I was looking at a puddle of muddy water with those red thingys we used to call "sucking blood" that appears most times after it rains in "bush" areas while having my "private Biological field trip" I began talking crap like I still do this day I sensed a presence,an overwhelming feeling came upon me that I couldn't shake I turned around and there she was ....


DISCLAIMER: We at gfunc's will take no responsibilty for the potrayal of a certain individual in a certain light.Abeg oh we no fit shout pass the one wey we dey.Make nobody pour sand for we garri by repeating this anywhere ever not even in your minds abi na una won carry us go hospital ?

I find it difficult hugging guys,I mean guys like "the male" species.Ok probably not just guys even girls too but it's a lil bit easier with females especially fine babes lol.

*******************************************************************

I saw her at Okoko bustop she had on a black skirt....sacred design it had,that skirt. On her feet black shoes then ever other thing she had on was of a lemon green colouration.No wonder why she caught my eye cos the lemon green colour has me as one of it's greatest fans.

I immediately decided that my bus wasn't really that important anymore even though a couple of minutes earlier, I had been fuming mad that I was going to be late all because these "yeye" Danfo bus drivers wanted to protest to no avail cos as usual they don't ever change nada with their impromptu strikes.

I stared to the other side where stood "Miss lemon"and being that I couldn't be calling her miss lemon all the time I brushed off the dirt on my shoulders put on my hat and sheepish "Jamie foxx/Obama smile" * hard to imagine eh? Well even for me too * and walked across the road to ask her name and later on I would ask for her phone number,house address,occupation,genotype,sexual orientation, ... lol

Getting closer to her side of the road while trying to put on more swagger to my walk and perfecting my sorry excuse for a smile,I saw her make to cross the road

"shit", * unconscious pronounciation when I realised what she was doing *

Mid way across, improvisation/innovation came into play,I continued walking,got to where she had been standing and I turned back looking like I has lost something and began to retrieve my steps

" This babe won make her yansh dribble me sha? Na there she go sabi sey me can dey play football like Okocha "

Midway across the road I screamed in a bid to get attention,her attention in particular but then I heard another scream and before I could turn to see why, I knew no more.

People always be talking about people's lives flashing before them when they dying and ish,I have one word for them

"lol"

Whoever decided the abbreviation " lol " could be a trend ... was a genius.

I didn't see no " life " flash before me instead I saw lemon green.No be only life dey flash

" life ko ,life ni "