You don't joke with mama Gfunc,I mean you just don't.

To say that I'm capable of imagining what would happen if I ever dared to "try" her would would be like saying I could fly.I'm saying it would be possible but then quit hard to believe....y'all get what I'm trying to mean?

One day...

lol that line reminds me of tales I read as an adolescent

Anyways ,On a fateful day * or was it a fateless one? * I think I wasn's feeling okay that day cos really....let me explain:

With mama gfunc.... I look at the way I wrote "mama gfunc" beginning with a small letter and I say to myself:

"Oh boy you don get levels oh, like so you can fit to try that kind thing now? fear dey catch me oh"

It's like that kinda Obama feeling *wetin dey do me with this Obama sef?* to be able to write the name that way.It's like how back in secondary school we would proudly call teacher by their names: first or surnames but only when they were note present but with mama gfunc it's worse and really hard to explain.

I watched in fright .... No terror at occasions when this lady dealt with hard core criminals sorry my older brothers and sisters when they commited crimes sorry were being a bit naughty like every normal little kid.

Her methods of discipline ranged from stripping *yeah butt ass naked* and sending them out in the streets while flogging their yanshes.Her methods or detaching the clothes were rude and crude and I'll leave that to y'all to imagine cos "graphic" descriptive details are going to traumatise you *it's certain why y'all think I write so much random ish?.... Anybody??.... Well go figure !*

After her torture sorry discipline sessions it became kinda hard to believe that my mother was human or even had a heart.I knew she wasn't the anti-christ cos dude should be a dude and should be doing politics and ish but the day mama gfunc became the treasurer of the residents of Close 100,satellite town, I boardered on ideas of moving out of the house at 8 1/2 years old

The day I tried to talk about at the beginning of this rant may seem to have been forgotten about but it's kinda hard not to get emotional and pour out your heart when you have such experiences as part of your past .

School was over and being that big sis was having extra lessons and that was not because she no sabi book or that she needed it ,No..it was mama gfunc's desire look at it as a kind of caprice,anyways I had to go home with a friend of mine taking the only sorry usual route I did with my sis but a winsh sorry my friend told me he knew of another route to my place which goes through his house and then that one was much more fun than my boringly usual one.

I sheepingly followed him and I had walked say 336m away from the entire area of possible locus allowed for horseplay when going home taking the usual way and I was looking at a puddle of muddy water with those red thingys we used to call "sucking blood" that appears most times after it rains in "bush" areas while having my "private Biological field trip" I began talking crap like I still do this day I sensed a presence,an overwhelming feeling came upon me that I couldn't shake I turned around and there she was ....


DISCLAIMER: We at gfunc's will take no responsibilty for the potrayal of a certain individual in a certain light.Abeg oh we no fit shout pass the one wey we dey.Make nobody pour sand for we garri by repeating this anywhere ever not even in your minds abi na una won carry us go hospital ?

I find it difficult hugging guys,I mean guys like "the male" species.Ok probably not just guys even girls too but it's a lil bit easier with females especially fine babes lol.

*******************************************************************

I saw her at Okoko bustop she had on a black skirt....sacred design it had,that skirt. On her feet black shoes then ever other thing she had on was of a lemon green colouration.No wonder why she caught my eye cos the lemon green colour has me as one of it's greatest fans.

I immediately decided that my bus wasn't really that important anymore even though a couple of minutes earlier, I had been fuming mad that I was going to be late all because these "yeye" Danfo bus drivers wanted to protest to no avail cos as usual they don't ever change nada with their impromptu strikes.

I stared to the other side where stood "Miss lemon"and being that I couldn't be calling her miss lemon all the time I brushed off the dirt on my shoulders put on my hat and sheepish "Jamie foxx/Obama smile" * hard to imagine eh? Well even for me too * and walked across the road to ask her name and later on I would ask for her phone number,house address,occupation,genotype,sexual orientation, ... lol

Getting closer to her side of the road while trying to put on more swagger to my walk and perfecting my sorry excuse for a smile,I saw her make to cross the road

"shit", * unconscious pronounciation when I realised what she was doing *

Mid way across, improvisation/innovation came into play,I continued walking,got to where she had been standing and I turned back looking like I has lost something and began to retrieve my steps

" This babe won make her yansh dribble me sha? Na there she go sabi sey me can dey play football like Okocha "

Midway across the road I screamed in a bid to get attention,her attention in particular but then I heard another scream and before I could turn to see why, I knew no more.

People always be talking about people's lives flashing before them when they dying and ish,I have one word for them

"lol"

Whoever decided the abbreviation " lol " could be a trend ... was a genius.

I didn't see no " life " flash before me instead I saw lemon green.No be only life dey flash

" life ko ,life ni "

WHERE DID I GO WRONG ?

Hi guys, it's been an awefully long bit and I just want to apologise to all my followers and all those who pass by here from time to time.I miss you guys loads.I haven't really been away from blogsville -lol never thought I would use that word.I read all your posts from reader but the internet connection I have is messed up and doesn't let me put up posts *at least the one time I tried to*


Anyways I would like to holla at my girl Ms.'dufa-haven't heard from her in a while so try and holla and why the heck is your blog not found ?

I would like to holla at Miss natural,Good naija girl,Zel,Yankeenaijababe, Myne Whiteman and everyone else who stopped by.Thanks for all the love.

I had written a couple of stuff down but was unable to post em so I'm a do that just after this


Bisous !!!

STEPHAN EPISKOUPO....

...has nothing what so ever to do with this blog post,it just sounded like a really cool blogpost title hehe!

You know that God's awesome,right?

Like who the heck y'all think gets you up in the morning?

cos looked at from the angle where I am now,the fact that you're "semi-dead" when you sleep make it quite easy to say that one could easily pass to the dead state.

Like when you sleep,you're on the boundary of life and death and more in the dead zone if you ask me.But there's a Power,something greater than you and me that gets you up,not like an electric equipment that gets spoilt and is no longer reparable.

I'm not coming out as clear as I want to but I think someone somewhere gets the message that I'm trying to pass across saying that GOD is AWESOME.

I pumped up a whole lot of calories in me that I was kinda scared about the way I ate a couple of days ago.I see people trying to loose weight and stuff.Paying huge sums of money to probably go to gym or something,waking up every saturday morning to go jugging..... and I'm here trying to turn into Yokozuna.na wa oh!!!

This is another random post to say anything that comes to my mind being that I haven't been up in here in a while and I'm trying to overcome what's keeping me from blogging.

Funny thing is I had all this ideas going on in my head all week and the week before but at this very moment that I type they're all vanished like poof...sucks!!

I'm guessing that somewhere someone has been coming over to check on my blog to see if I have put up an update or something but getting disappointed that I don't have any up when he/she gets here.I wanna thank you for your...fidelity lol...and say that you should leave a comment and tell me I actually was write about saying what I just said in this paragraph

I hope this "rant" of randoms thoughts qualify as a post.

Cheers!!!

P.S

To anybody reading me...well not reading me but reading my blog for the first time,I offer you a kiss/peck if you're a girl and a handshake if you're a guy hehe.I guess that's fair enough

and my next post will be coming up real soon with something real cool to read so stay fixed and don't touch that dial * lol I be sounding like Shola thompson or Dan foster hehe*

Okay I best leave now before someone hit me with a rock for my silly "jokes"

BYEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THIS IS THE LONGEST POST I EVER WROTE AND THE SILLIEST SONG I EVER QUOTE COS MY PRESIDENT IS BLACK?MY LAMBO'S BLUE AND I''LL BE HAPPY IF MY RIMS .....

It's really funny how as a kid I'd read books and just read.... but as I got older I began to realise the amount of work it takes to actually write stuff and not just any stuff but stuff that makes sense.A whole lot of things; creativity,discipline and like hanging on to the end and also being able to see where you're going before you actually get there so that what you do now will rhyme in an absolutely choc * my own word hehe* way.

It's just something I was thinking about and I decided to write it up there,I wonder if anyone feels the same way or it's just me or ....


**************************************************************************

I walked over to the Notice board and there was my representation-a drawing of someone that represented me.I was delighted at the fact that for once I actually had some publicity at a school wide scale.

I know y'all is not getting the whole picture of what I'm saying so I'll try to develop some background detail so that when I come back to the point where I left off= " ....wide scale " .

In school where I was in my first year,after all the years of staying back home and playing the lottery that jamb has a good percentage of nigerian students involved in.During this period I had worked a couple of jobs,manual jobs to be exact,infact load carrier to be more clear.This job had come through a cousin of mine who worked a store selling bags of rice of 50kg a sack and being that I was in the process of prouving to myself that I wasn't the lady like man that most people have the tendency to think I am,I took up the job and during the time stepped up my everyday work out and at the end of a year period i could proudly say "I am a whole nother swagger level,see pic below:




pretty impressive at 17 don't y'all think? lol

Anyways back to the main stuff,I got into school and was feeling like "nfana ibaga" though there were a couple of other guys that could make me close my mouth at anytime,story of sey no be only me sabi do "homework", but when i say a couple I really mean a couple so I had a certain level of respect which only increased for each time I opened my dress shirt or didn't take off my body hugging tees.And to top all of that It wasn't just for show I was actually able to opress a lot of guy and I mean literally opressing them not like I ever did though, ok maybe a few times but I was only stronger than me I couldn't help it.

Shy guy who always went to church and read his books never gave me lots of opportunities to be as vain as I would have liked.I went through first semester and having cool results though not as good as I would have wanted but hey I had a whole lot of guy *remember a lot means a lot*and a couple of girls *scarce resource in my school,sad story* being envious of my grades hehe!!

Second semester had me wanting to come out of this imaginary cage restraining me.Fill in for the Macho man competion of the school but I later on was to find out that Church people had organised a programme for that night and they were mostly against the futility and vanity of going about exhibiting your body and a view of your privates included.So macho man and Miss pretty of the school day had me in church asking God to make my grades better than the last year's, give me and my parents loads of cash and maybe help up catch Osama Bin laden and also stop all the wars and poverty going on around the world and yeah that he also....

Since I couldn't go in for that I later on found out there was to a Pretty boy show which didn't require taking off so many items of clothing and there was also to be another Fine girl competition.Getting to find out that there weren't so many contestants I decided to apply on the same day of the competition just to do something different ,y'all see how long it takes for me to decide to have fun or do something I don't do everyday,not to say that there aren't people who do these things without even giving it a second thought but me.....it had to be a war.

I came out of the competion not winning and not even close to being the winner.

REASON: Boy has absolutely no swagger even though he's cute,real cute even and could have my number anytime but he's not what we're looking for.actual wonner has a whole lot of swagger and enough fine so he'll do.Sad decision but it has to be made


hehehehehe

A week or two after this event,I was in my room whne I heard the voice of two guys,one was " my manager " at the said event and the guy was a friend of mine, both being my classmates had had a clash during one of our course and let's just say things got out of hand.

A bit of details: Guy 1 was a big ass bully who hardly ever found anyone to contest his desires except me and Guy 2,was more like the all talk and not too much bite and he being skinny didn't help matters at all.

At the moment when I came out Guy 1 had Guy 2 at the edge of the balcony,I quickly moved in to restrain him before he did something silly.It wasn't easy but I did it * does this line remind anyone of anything? *

Back to the main phrase I actually wanted to make before I started talking about all this really unnecessary stuff in the bid to make y'all understand what I'm saying even tough I know that I've done a bad.....real bad job of doing that.In other words,or should I say in the actual words like the only words that real comprehensible humans use: Please refer to the third paragraph

I stood before the board that had a drawing representing me and the two guys that fought and how a ceratain Mr Fine boy (from behind) was macho enough to stop the violence in a dormitory hall.Why the heck didn't he contest for the macho competitiopn where his talents would have been more appreciated and together with his fine boy,he definetely would have won.


I was speechless.Some people recognised me and came over to ake small talk,I even signed a couple of autographs...yeah right!

Disclaimer: I, in no way, mean to give a false impression of the character in the story even if it * the character that is * is similar to any person or persons alive ,asleep or in some sick bay *they are mostly sleeping all day so can they be said to be alive?*. Well if the character resemblance to anyone, I don't really care hehe

BOOM BOOM yeah! yeah! fire don catch me oh!

I signed into google reader and saw that Vera had put up a new post.It was a sunday morning and I was set for church but just decided to glance at my various accounts online *yahoo,google,facebook,...* but as it was a verastic post,I decided to just do a quickie since I couldn't really tell when next I would be online and just like a delicious scenting meal,you can't help yourself,you just gotta have some.

I began to read about how she wished the whole of blogsville a merry christmas and in general it was a post rhyming with the season.I was about to close the window and save the post for later when my eyes caught the words Nigeria and terrorist.I thought it was a joke so I went on to read.It actually was a joke *or so I thought* about some Nigerian suicide bomber *don't fit,right?*

She said the guy had been trained in Yemen to mmake explosives and ish and that he had boarded the plane from Nigeria to Detroit and I think he had attempted to blow up the plane somewhere around Amsterdam but then he had been caught and stuff.

My first impression was that it was just another "story" to get nigeria once again in the highlight,cos people can't just get enough of Nigeria in international news and what better news to hear than some about how we're a corrupt nation and stuff.But Terrorism???!!!! now that just don't fit.

She went on to say that Nigerian and Terror don't go along like the only time you find those two word in a sentence is when you talk about how it's nearly impossible for Nigerians to be terrorist so I guess the dude(Omar Farouk Abdul Mudallab) was just trying to prove he could be the new ""Obama bin laden" for the west" if you get my drift?

Like seriously,Nigerians do all sort of stuff for money,but they want to have money and stuff and live to enjoy it.Like Nigerians could kill someone else for money but not themselves.I doubt that money was the reason for this dude's action I seriously do *see me talking about general knowledge like it's my personal intuition*

I'm trying to make a point here about how Nigerians and terrorism just don't go along,I don't think I'm making a good job of it like my boy Scribbles would but not to worry I have a feeling he'll not delay to do so soonest.

One more way we could look at this is if this guy has been brainwashed by some juju ish,like yeah! Y'all can't deny not knowing about all them old ladies that live behind your family compound in the village that tend to be "doing" your ass,sometimes for no absolute reason or maybe because you father's father happened to have sent her mother to the stream to fetch water for him to clean his cutlass and then she takes it upon herself to revenge her mother all because of the childhood tale her mothe recalled during the burial of your father's father and all this while you're totally ignorant of your family's "great trespass" *I hope y'all get this,you ought to be a regular nigerian to understand this*

Anyways,the guy must have some familiar evil spirits running after his ass that cuased him to fall the hand of his family

"bloody maga"

I get to the end of this post and want to say that I think we're having an e-fight,I and
Ms' Dufa She don't be commenting on my blog like it was in the begining.I guess this is the way all realtionships turn sour.It hurts to think it couldn't be different with her.

"She's just like the rest"


P.S

"This is a challenge Dufa,prove you're different and let's be the new 2010 "Bonnie and Clyde" lol" just holla babe,haven't seen you here in a bit

Like you'll never leave me

I remember sometime a long while ago.I woke up that morning and put on the television.It was about 5 o'clock and I was lucky to not be able to sleep normally,I say lucky cos on a "normal" day I would happily sleep till 10 o clock mininmum if my mama didn't decide that a bowl of cold water to my head would do me some "secret" good * I tried for a while to figure out what good is and I don't think I've quite figured out till this day.

Back to me being lucky,I was able to watch the television without being bullied to change the station to one that satisfied general interest *I lived in a family of 1O kids*

As I changed the stations,searching for one that had begun broadcast,this was at a time when 24 hour tlevision was unheard of unless your papa fit buy cable *this includes satellite tv,cable tv and all the rest* I stumbled on finally got to the only station that had begun broadcast and there was some music programme going on and there was this song with some funnily and scantily dressed woman saying something in the lines of "horny honey,I'm horny horny honey tonight" and she kept trying to curly up and looked really depressed.I didn't get the song.

Today I do,he left after he said he stared at me and just walked out and he never even turned back to look at me or did he?

It's been three months and I really do miss him,a part parts of my body yearns for him.

*******************************************************************

I had just gotten admission into secondary school and I had gone over to his place to let him know about it.

His name was Dany and so was mine and they said we were namesakes so that meant we had to be more considerate for each other more that all of our other friends.

I met him coming out of his room and he turned back and signaled to me to come in.As I walked in he pulled my hand from where he was hid behind the door and everything happened so fast that before I new what was happening he had said "let me show you something" and had begun showing me how his lips could touch mine.

The way he did it was so innocent,he just had his lips touching mine slightly and he was moving his head in a sinusodial pattern,he was so funny I burts out laughing

"What's funny? ",he said,

"You need to see yourself",I replied "what were you trying to do?"

"I saw Mr Bode and a woman doing the same thing and it seemed they were having fun so I decided to try"

"Maybe you're not doing it well",I suggested "Let's try again"

Thus began our "relationship" that would have us being special friends till the day I met Tunde.

I had never been close to anyother person than Dany,everyother person I knew was either scared of me or was family.But Tunde wasn't scared at all,I think he even made me scared sometimes.We had this converstaion one day;

"How do you know that guy?",he asked,

"You mean Dany?",I said,

"His name is Dany???...ok"

"Why you talking that way?"

"Nothing,just wondering"

"Wondering what?" I asked anxiously

"But he's so ugly,what are you doing with someone like that?" he blurted

For a moment I was shocked and then I took a closer look at my retreating name-sake
and just then he turned and I saw for the first time that my "friend" wasn't exactly the prettiest of boys.From that day on,I began to see Dany lesser and lesser.Those times when he would try to hug me,or even touch me,I began to look for ways to evade those advances and from then on we stopped having those special "touching bodies moments".

I don't know what came over me,maybe the fact that Tunde was a really foiine boy or maybe the fact that he was wy more stylish than my Dany,me ex-Dany.I just can't say or maybe it was because I caught more boys staring at me than before ever since I became friends with Tunde,I just don't know

One day Dany came up to me and he said with his silly smile on his face,

"How's your boyfriend,Tunde?"

I snapped at him "Did you think I would be your girlfriend you ugly duckling,I feel so disgusted that I ever let you touch me,you sick..."

I heard the door slam shut,I had been blinded by fury,I didn't hear him walk out,I didn't even see him go.I ran to the window and saw him turn back at that moment with the sadest look ever and that smile that always lit his face wasn't there anymore and he really did look ugly,ugly but then what is ugly anyways?

It's been three months now,and I'm curled up in the same way as that woman in that video I saw couple of years back and I think I know what she meant "horny honey,I'm horny horny honey tonight"

I need my Dany back,I need him back.